I have taught my son that opening doors for women, giving up his seat for the the elderly and minding his manners are what makes him cool.

Next time a stranger talks to me in line at the grocery store I'm going to say
"You can see me?"

I will never call you Daddy during sex

I may call you Thor though

Hope that's okay

My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does

If there's enough room to write "bootylicious" on the back of your shorts, it's probably not

You know what makes a guy sexy?

Being a great dad

I wish the players on the field could yell back

"Hey you, tubby, on the couch shoving chips in your mouth... Shut the fuck up"

I was going to do laundry,but then I remembered that this nap isn't going to take itself.

I gave my son Reese's , snickers and butterfingers for lunch
I threw in some starburst you know for "fruit"

How to fight with a woman

Close your mouth, nod your head and you will make it out alive

Cuddling is for assholes

Or for people who actually have someone to cuddle with

Sigh

I don't ever beg

well not with my clothes on

Autocorrect always changes love to live. I think it's trying to tell me something

Not going to lie

It's good having boobs

Life's way too short to waste time or emotion on someone who just doesn't care

When I say never mind it means if you weren't smart enough to get it the first time I'm not explaining that shit again

A woman's mind is like a browser with 1476 tabs open at the same time.

Be confident
Not an asshole
That's not attractive

Telling your 14 yr old daughter she's too fat in the middle of Target is grounds for me too run my cart into you over and over

While I'm driving home I have to resist the urge to just start my own demolition derby