My dry cleaner is such a fucking pussy.

I could be CIA but I chose pot.

Boom. I stole your muffin.

Boom. I just fucked your dog.

Where the fuck did scratch and sniff go. I want a grape one cunts.

Boom. I just sniffed your blow.

I pretty much scratch records now, even though it's only on an iPhone app and I fucking suck ass at it.

Was just walking down to the garage to get a Coca Cola and saw a pay phone. Did what any rational person would do and dialed 1-800-444-SUCK

Zuckerberg. Zucker Burger. Zucker Mother Fucker. Thank you for making teenagers even more annoying. Muah!

Boom. I fingered your cat.

And I'm done. That was fun.

Boom. I just slapped your teacher.

For the sake of the asses of men in prison, perhaps we should not call them inmates.

Raise your hand if you watch True Blood.....


Fag.

The awesome blossom is, sadly, not awesome. It's just a shitty fried onion.

Dear Zuckerberg, I sure hope that losing 2 billion cool ones doesn't give you a case of ED on your honeymoon. If it does, post it on FB? Xx

When boxer dogs sleep they flap their chops and it's a beautiful thing.

I want to quit my job to start a project that involves raping all ambulances/cop cars of their sirens and replacing them with ocean sounds

This party that you're dragging me to is going to suck.

White Lion. When the Children Cry. Boom. Hands down best song ever written.

Moose want Doritos.