Just did that yoga move where you twist your arm behind you to grab the remote.

Condoms: barf bags for your dick

"Anteaters are made out of pony hair and giggles!" —Albert Einstein

Hugs are initiated by the uglier of two people.

MY DOG AND HIS BUTTHOLE NEED TO BREAK UP ALREADY.

I wish I was gay so it could get better.

Sounds like my stomach just performed the intro to Dream Weaver then ran off stage crying.

Any smile lines I have are strictly from farting.

Any doctors following me? Is it normal for a vagina to unfurl?

Let's don't this.

All you need to do is say "So that's where I left it!" and picking up your dog's poo suddenly becomes rewarding.

It seems silly to call them 'cargo' shorts when the pockets are filled with dreams.

My spirit animal is eating its dead owner.

This guy's fancy car horn let's you know he's the life of the party he's never invited to.

If I was doing the javelin throw at the Olympics, I'd load mine up with various grilled meats & veggies before throwing it at the crowd.

I'm pretty sure we're all ugly and some people experience a pretty phase before they die.

"No." (How to get out of anything.)

Babies should feel bad about themselves.

If you liked it then you shoulda put your penis in it and on it and around it and just all over it and inside its friends too.

Good things come to those who get waited on.