Happy Birthday Kate Moss. Don't worry, you don't look a pound over 38.

UGH. If you're going to say there's candy in your van, you goddamn better deliver on that promise. I HAD EXPECTATIONS.

For some of us, getting 5 Favs on a tweet is still kind of a big deal, okay.

Just spent an hour on Twitter, when I should've been working on my relationship with Netflix. Great. Now my only friend will feel neglected.

"your crimped hair looks fabulous!" - no one, ever

What's a seven letter word for "Self-loathing narcissistic lonely wankers?" Oh right. "Twitter."

We know you have lips; WE ALL HAVE THEM. Half the population even has two sets of em. You're not special. Stop pouting in pictures, you turd

Any teacher that can make it through their entire career without strangling a student is a pretty excellent teacher in my book.

Make me feel moderately relevant by following me. Or not, whatever. It’s not like I need the validation or anything.

...

I like to eat beans on toast so I can feel like a poor Brit which somehow feels more sophisticated and cool than being a poor American.

Apparently, cheese is bad for your skin, in case you needed another reason to hate everything.

Avoid anyone who doesn't believe in time travel

They've never thought about their future self killing their present self through a wormhole

meth lab for cutie

What if you kissed someone for the first time, and they whispered "swag" after pulling away.

hourly sigh tweet

I hope "Sorry, I was having an existential crisis" is an acceptable excuse. If not, well who cares. Nothing really matters anyways.

If you're going to msg me insisting that we hang out, and then take three days to reply back, I'll be forever "busy" because fuck you.

Some guy in the cheese snacks aisle asked me for a recommendation, so I totally look like I know what I'm doing.

Reason for leaving Facebook (Required): ☑ Other
Please explain further: I hate everyone

I just randomly started saying "swagger like a champ" repeatedly WITH full-on hand movements. What a douche.