First ever at work tweet. Yeah it's in my lunch break but you know start small dream big and all that shit

@rackofsteel mine knocks back jack and listens to johnny cash. If I beg him to stop he shouts at me till I cry. He sometimes throws poop

Today has been brought to me by the words asshat and fucktards. Thank you sesame shit

Boss said three-way agreement in meeting today. Only I sniggered like a kid. Whatever. That shit was funny

I want to take your hut as a symbol of my mightiness

Anyone else get to the stage where you bore ur self with ur moaning and think I'm gonna do something bout it then just pour another wine?

Apparently gargling with vodka when you have a sore throat means you have a 'problem'... Shit kills germs. Whatever

@france_xiii ha ha, you are my favourite asshole xxx

"John McCain looks like a ball bag sprinkled with icing sugar" I love Russell Howard

Wow co-worker. 15% off at home base you say? What do I look like? Sally fucking home-maker

Finding out the guy who dumped you because you didn't match their perfect self image = priceless

Just got winked at by some abercrombie looking mofo in the street. I asked him what the fuck he was looking at. Lesson learned kiddo

What my colleague think are supportive pats on the shoulder are actually me trying to perfect the Vulcan death grip. Still needs work

Chain eating kinder chocolate bars cos its too wet to smoke

I'm totally in the mood for an arnie movie feat starting with total recall. God I miss @france_xiii

Beer goggle laser surgery, ha ha

What does cheese say when it looks in the mirror... Halloumi

@france_xiii your beard designs always thrill me sweet cheeks.

@france_xiii you can borrow my sword of bewildering rejection. Turns men to putty

@france_xiii not if you invest in that cock pump... Bazinga