I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.

Apparently "MILF" isn't an appropriate answer when you're asked what you want to be when you're older.

My resume is just a photo of me taking a nap.

i just heard a black hipster say that he wished he lived in the 1950's.

NO, YOU REALLY DON'T, STUPID IDIOT.

I just saved a lot of money at the bar by having a vagina.

Favoriting but not retweeting is the blue balls of the twitter world.

Arby's called, they want your vagina to star in their commercial.

When a werewolf is lost he's a wherewolf!




I just don't deserve followers, get out now while you have the chance.

My favorite activity is running into random people on the street and screaming"OMG ITS BEEN FOREVER!"and seeing if they pretend to know you.

At 11:11 i always wish for you <3


just kidding thats fucking dumb


i wish for pancakes.

weird how literally everything is depressing when you dont have a pet baby tiger.

If by "diet and exercise" you mean "chicken nuggets and twerking" then yeah I have a pretty healthy lifestyle.

According to webMD I should be dead.

PT cruisers are the nickelback of cars.

Pretty stupid how every Australian on twitter's avi isn't of them in a kangaroo's pouch.

what am i wearing?
nothing* ;)


*tee shirt with ketchup stains, sweatpants and granny panties.

No, misery doesn't love company. Misery loves Netflix and weed.

I still think it's pretty weird how we piss out of our sex organs...but that's just me.

Mayonnaise is just satan's semen.

Sucks that no one's realized that tuna salad is just cat food yet.