It's cool that there are Aurora victims w/out insurance drowning in bills and all the Christians decided to give their money to #Chick-Fil-A

I'm a happily married straight guy but I swear to god if 1 of you dudes wants to go to chick-fil-a and make out in one of the booths I'm in

Best idea I heard yesterday: take all the guns, melt them down, use the metal to build a Death Star, then use Death Star to blow up earth.

*knock knock*
Who's there?
Schrodinger's Cat
(or is he??)

Obama pardoned a Turkish war criminal! The media isn't even mentioning this! When are you going to WAKE UP America? #tcot #ocra #nobama

My son is wearing a knight's helmet, a tutu, and holding a toy laptop. "I'm a knight princess worker." Destroying gender norms before 9 am.

If anyone says it's "too soon" to talk about gun control in light of today's tragedy, tell them you're talking in reference to the last one.

I saw Horses and Bayonets at SXSW back in 2010. They slayed. #debate

"Come on officer, can't you just let it slide this once?" *pulls down shades, looks you in the eye* "Neigh." #HorseCops

a sticker of Calvin pissing on a sticker of Calvin praying would be hard core

.@mittromney You gonna harp on O for not being specific? How do you pull your pants up with those huge-ass balls?

#BritishHobbies Crumpet Flogging, Fitchswink, Pinky Dinkle, Bugger Loo, Monarchy, Boot Wagging, Cliff Richards

A movie about a middle aged Hulk starring Tom Waits as Bruce Banner and Ron Perlman as The Hulk. No makeup.

India: 600 Million lose power in world's largest blackout.
USA: a *shitload* of people eat chicken because they think gays are yucky.

Throw parties! Not chairs! RT @chrisbrown Make art! Not war!

.@mittromney Have those massive tax cuts for the mega-rich helped small businesses? Have they helped the middle class?

One of my favorite things about kids is how they just fall down sometimes. Standing perfectly still, then boom, on the floor.

Son made a sign for the #Pride parade with no prompting from us. It says "We love you. I love you."

While driving my mom home from church tonight, I told her about Danzig. She seemed interested.

Been stuck in this corn maze for hours. No water. Cell reception spotty at best. No spank material. Praying for help.