The Marlins may have just made the most embarrassing transaction in the history of professional sports.

@diaper_wolf *prints a jpg of snorlax to show personal trainer*

I have a 10-year-old sister and I literally can't think about the innocence that was ripped away from the kids in CT without breaking down.

As a registered organ donor, I was proud to dedicate my stand-up shows last night to the always-inspiring @miss_deyo! #sosomuchjokes

Tweet from regular person: "I'm loving this sunny day!" Tweet from iPhone user: "I'm loving this sunny day! squaresquaresquaresquaresquare"

The person who discovered LSD died at the age of 102 today. That's right. The guy who INVENTED a drug died of natural causes.

Remember when the police told people to not post what's broadcasted on the scanner? You're full of good listeners, Twitter.

Next season the Marlins' home run display in center field will feature a middle finger that flips off all fans in attendance.

Pretty accurate yet hilarious message in my new game of OOTP 13. http://t.co/0Y9LTbdF

I'm opening for @diazmackie TONIGHT at 10 pm at @comedyspot. Tix are $12 so come on down for my farewell show at the best club in AZ.

ATTENTION: I'm opening for fellow black comic @diazmackie this SATURDAY at 10 PM at @comedyspot. Tix r $12 so get them before it sells out!

Had a great time opening for the hilarious @jimmyshubert, an incredible comic even with stupid drunk people trying to ruin the show.

Knock knock. Who's there? It's ME, opening for @jimmyshubert this SUNDAY at 7 PM at @comedyspot. Buy your tix now or I'll hate you forever!

REMINDER: I'm opening for the hilarious @jimmyshubert at @comedyspot on MARCH 3RD at 7 PM. Get your tix now at  http://thecomedyspot.net !

Like when people you know actually exist! RT @mteo_5 There is always something to be thankful for!

My dog just met with the Mariners, you guys!

New Pac-12 rule: MUST PLACE PILLOW UNDER HEAD OF OFFENSIVE PLAYER BEFORE TACKLING THEM

You could see the Harden trade coming after Clay Bennett said the Thunder would to the best they could to keep him in OKC.

If you only listened to Jesse Palmer commentary, you'd think ASU has won seven national championships during the course of this game.

"DAMMIT" - Roger Goodell