Captain America looks more like Captain Puerto Rico with the one star

"If you're not willing to have a cocktail in a sippy cup so you can drink in the shower, I really question your dedication to alcoholism.”

Yes, that's very nice, but does it come with a fleshlight?

The only "b" word you should call a girl is beautiful... bitches love to be called beautiful

Once you've seen one woman naked.. you pretty much want to see the rest of them naked

When promted for a courtesy flush, I respectfully decline.

Westwood sounds like a place where gay men go when there's no wood out east

I mostly pretend to judge you because I'm jealous and I wish that you spent as much time stalking/thinking about me as you do Rebecca Black.

I bet that "The doctor is in" joke must be so played out between medical students and their girlfriends

If you don't have a drink in your hand, you're doing it wrong.

If god can't make the toilets in church bathrooms flush themselves, i don't he cares much about how clean his house is

but she'll be Dora the Geologist by the time I have kids...

The seven most delicious words I've ever hear: Cream cheese red velvet cake cookies from @meltbakery. I must have this #nomnomnom

TotD!!! RT @_tombrady: Every morning Tom Cruise announces how many Latinos moved into his neighborhood.

He calls it the Minority Report.

The size of the hoop earings is directly proportional to the size of the penis needed to satisfy the wearer

“@ms_lajit "You only live once, so hit that shit TWICE!!!"”

“@gagitamonster “@davidklein5 Hey Lexus cut the shit. We're broke and nobody gives a car as a Christmas present.””

I haven't been this excited about xmas in like 20 years #NBA

Not feeling this no-alcohol-at-baby-shower thing

Nothing like a visit to a third world country to get you back in rare shape... at the toilet