Dieting is no fun. I've been going at it for three weeks and all I've lost is twenty-one days

You know.. Maybe I'd be less of a bitch if I didn't wake up on the wrong side of fucking NO ONE every morning.

He's really nice, but I'm afraid of talking to him as I might mention something he hasn't already told me that I know from online stalking..

I met a guy who's not on facebook, twitter, or myspace. So now what? I go to his home to spy on him??

100 tweets and I’m out of material. Maybe I’ll start over – or just recycle the ones you didn’t star, because you obviously never read them.

My ex got a new girlfriend, but didn't want to tell me about it. Which is stupid, because as an expert stalker I knew before he did.

His lips said “no”, but his eyes said “read my lips!”

I want patience - AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!!!

I guess it's hard to lose weight only by changing your eating habits when you insist on still being an alcoholic... So I’ve joined a gym.

it's amazing how deleting my browser history makes me feel like I never cyber-stalked you in the first place

Friends don’t let friends do what I just did.

My plans for tonight?? Drinking until I'm someone else's problem. Cheers.

After about three weeks I have to face up to the fact that my apartment will not clean itself.. But I'll give it one more week just in case!

A chubby guy with braces hit on me at the gym today. Maybe I should consider it an investment?!

Long time no see.. Anyway, my mom wants her underwear back.

Don't you just hate prudes?
“I really don’t want to hear about your sex life..”

- Well, then you should probably take another bus to work!?

Working on an online dating profile. I want it short and honest, but also classy..

So what's the more ladylike version of “NEED SEX!!”?

No classes today, so I'm spending it writing messages to all my facebook-friends, telling them how much I love them. Also, I’m drinking..

Started my vacation off by making brunch. I feel so sophisticated.

A cracker and a vodka shot are like a brunch, right?

I thought online dating was for freaks, but it’s just ordinary people looking for love..

Damn, I thought this was a sure thing.