I found a uterus in my Cheetos http://t.co/b9bvKmvP

@bensavage would you like me to assign someone to butter your muffin

@thenolookpass @joannepistonfan TEAM PIZZA FOREVER

I feel like there should be a new We Are the World but it's just everyone going in on Chris Brown

Really not digging anything about today. Like not even remotely. Nothing.

Making out with you is like burping up a hot dog

I need a fucking sandwich.

I might eat this whole pizza by myself. I said MIGHT. MIGHT, YOU ASSHOLES!! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Just saw Jesus float out of my wine glass

SEAWEED

Leave me alone and don't talk to me and I will be nice to you

I wanna create a theme park where we take ppl who have never drank alcohol and get them super drunk and people can watch them

I had a dream last night that Kanye and Kris H had a nerf war inside a tower records so yeah that's my life a little bit

just downloaded like 5GBs worth of cookbooks. jesus take the wheel.

I wanna be YOLO for Halloween

the drinking part is just me drinking every time someone gets a boner

so I came up with this new drinking game where you read 50 shades of grey to a group of guys and see which one gets a boner first

JUDO FUCKING CHOP

I put an apple in my fridge and just left it in there and now everyone is like "who put the apple in the fridge" and I laugh to myself.

@joannepistonfan http://t.co/mYIHiuCX