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If people ask me a question I don't know the answer to I usually just punch them in the face. I'd rather be an asshole than stupid.
Just spent the last hour in the gym. I'm fucking sweaty and exhausted. I didn't get to workout, but I finally got my earphones untangled.
Wife's in bed so I thought I'd be nice and fold all the clothes in the dryer. Can't wait to discover tomorrow exactly how I fucked this up.
I'm at the point in my marriage where it takes me a few minutes after I wake up to remember if we're mad at each other or not.
No matter how bad my day might have been at work I know when I walk through my front door my family will always be there to piss me off too.
I'm putting a note on this asshole's double parked car that says: I DID SOMETHING TO YOUR CAR BUT YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE.
When my wife's hand touched my wang while asleep last night I thought YES handjob! Turns out it was my hand. Still got one.
I never plan to delete my Twitter account because I really don't want my life back.
Being a parent is 67% "fuck this" and 33% "thank god they're asleep."
A really nice vehicle has been abandoned on the side of Hwy 98 if anyone wants it. Just be careful because there's a goddamn wasp in it.
I feel sorry for people without kids. It's like, what do you do with all that free time, extra money, and quiet?
Pfft, good luck with that!
I appreciate when someone tells me to "be safe." Otherwise I may forget and ignore that completely instinctive act of self-preservation.
So far I'm zero-for-26,849 on killing people with my mind but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying.
Tip for parents of young kids: open an email account for them now before the only usernames left are cumgargler52 and fuckmeinthegoatass1.
I texted my wife a pic of my junk and she replied asking me to remove her from my contacts list.
Nervous about our 1st ultrasound exam. What if my baby doesn't make ultra sounds? What if it's just farting noises? Is it graded on a curve?
My wife bitched that if all I had was my iPhone I'd be perfectly happy, which is ridiculous to think I'd not also need my phone charger.
One thing about being married with kids is that you'll never be lonely. You will never be alone. You will never ever be by yourself. Ever.
I've been working out extra hard this week because on Saturday I want Jesus to be all like, "Goddamn, son, how much you fucking bench?"
Just did cardio right behind the hottest chick at the gym. Well, up until she started screaming "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TREADMILL YOU ASSHOLE!"
The teeth on my keys all face the same direction on my key ring. Because I'm anal. I also enjoy love songs.