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  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    If people ask me a question I don't know the answer to I usually just punch them in the face. I'd rather be an asshole than stupid.

    • 519
    • FAVS
    DeluxeIndian______splinter295______MR_HALLKittySaysMeeowAverageSchlonguserfuckinnameNickxmedinaMkjkfitzgerald
    • 92
    • RETWEETS
    thekelBroooke_1998rolla713Mkjkfitzgeraldsharkhead90vamarellanoshanetheveinazbado
    llvvzzBagyants
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    Just spent the last hour in the gym. I'm fucking sweaty and exhausted. I didn't get to workout, but I finally got my earphones untangled.

    • 467
    • FAVS
    Mkjkfitzgerald4bodingJack_Wagon1assiekaybcdarrInsomniasBitchHooper82nerdamage
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    MkjkfitzgeraldRuns_WildassiekayitskellydazbadobunnyparadecheekynandosglassOferika______
    Roadfilm__________ThatsAFakeLaugh__
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    Wife's in bed so I thought I'd be nice and fold all the clothes in the dryer. Can't wait to discover tomorrow exactly how I fucked this up.

    • 293
    • FAVS
    4bodingJack_Wagon1meatlobeswannajuanaRelocatableJTQuestMesmerisedMezpalindromeiam
    • 50
    • RETWEETS
    Runs_WildMesmerisedMezskinnyboxerMoniBayBe________My3Macs_____Multifarious_____lovegravyCOOKlEFOREVER
    PaulShakeySharpInvisible_Fish
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    I'm at the point in my marriage where it takes me a few minutes after I wake up to remember if we're mad at each other or not.

    • 260
    • FAVS
    4bodingJack_Wagon1meatlobeswannajuanaSnarkToastLadyofCinematackie_jackie____JTQuest
    • 59
    • RETWEETS
    jlcaleyRachelMitchel18lacrossebumMarthanowIDoAlreadybarbhaynesgeeksthenewcoolFavstar250
    azbadoLJS4247StellaRtwotbulls_horns______linajk
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    No matter how bad my day might have been at work I know when I walk through my front door my family will always be there to piss me off too.

    • 260
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1meatlobesJTQuestMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamTouleenAlyy______DodoLurkerOh_its_so_good
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    Favstar250NadineElMakdoniTouleenAlyy______bunnyparaderachel__saraERNurseJoyNurseNaezy79______valbouchey
    gone_underVerifiedDrunkbllix
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    I'm putting a note on this asshole's double parked car that says: I DID SOMETHING TO YOUR CAR BUT YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT UNTIL IT'S TOO LATE.

    • 219
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1meatlobesSteampunk_SkunkwannajuanaRelocatableMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurker
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    CeciliaMaria85WednesdayGrrldantwentyoneAdamHenry78whodamacManJuggsFatimaNicole28____Bubblious_Nina
    garnhumMrFornicator
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    When my wife's hand touched my wang while asleep last night I thought YES handjob! Turns out it was my hand. Still got one.

    • 263
    • FAVS
    MkjkfitzgeraldJack_Wagon1wannajuanaJTQuestShy_MogwaiMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamSheila_Mac420
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    MkjkfitzgeraldUsetohavealife____Favstar250Sgtdickerson____Nickadoojaylegend22DaPrinzOfBelAir__shimmer418
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    I never plan to delete my Twitter account because I really don't want my life back.

    • 234
    • FAVS
    AmyLouGilmoreJack_Wagon1wannajuanaJTQuestShy_MogwaiMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamSheila_Mac420
    • 27
    • RETWEETS
    Runs_WildvickiaddamsGrapeJuice40______LJS4247erkantwitsprettymonsterswonderhellchicsltyndall
    ScibbityDDDBU____________feetoclay
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    Being a parent is 67% "fuck this" and 33% "thank god they're asleep."

    • 219
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1JTQuestMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurkerOh_its_so_goodUsetohavealife____kdotrunsthis
    • 41
    • RETWEETS
    MesmerisedMezmsred1973NaturalBornGriz__DctorFunGBiancofioresensejunkiebuddhaphishM_WigglesWorth____
    M_WigglesWorth____
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    A really nice vehicle has been abandoned on the side of Hwy 98 if anyone wants it. Just be careful because there's a goddamn wasp in it.

    • 212
    • FAVS
    hazbitVPaceJack_Wagon1JTQuestMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurkerEtherealNomad
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    Runs_WildazbadoMesmerisedMezTheirneyFallsBrattyBarbieRobbyRob313idfcamredpawn3
    UnicornSyrup
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    I feel sorry for people without kids. It's like, what do you do with all that free time, extra money, and quiet?

    Pfft, good luck with that!

    • 168
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1wannajuanaJTQuestpalindromeiamSheila_Mac420DodoLurkerOh_its_so_goodRuns_Wild
    • 61
    • RETWEETS
    libbyspeaches____acole148KymberliBoyd______Swollrositadferg71wakedude15ChristofurRealOppositeofCold
    TheBlessMessLipstickSpice
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    I appreciate when someone tells me to "be safe." Otherwise I may forget and ignore that completely instinctive act of self-preservation.

    • 195
    • FAVS
    _Mo_lee_Jack_Wagon1wannajuanaJTQuestMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurkerhatehug
    • 33
    • RETWEETS
    wannajuanaRidiculouslySomsred1973suzannekathrynTed_Meier________R_TabzJesusDeNinjaryanturcotte
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    So far I'm zero-for-26,849 on killing people with my mind but that doesn't mean I'm going to stop trying.

    • 180
    • FAVS
    MkjkfitzgeraldJack_Wagon1wannajuanaJTQuestMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamSheila_Mac420DodoLurker
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    MkjkfitzgeraldMonkeyTwit13______DeeStraubItsCasseyOTwiterHeroRichestBobEaglefly124JeanBairDavis
    LipstickSpice
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    Tip for parents of young kids: open an email account for them now before the only usernames left are cumgargler52 and fuckmeinthegoatass1.

    • 187
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1RelocatableMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurkerhatehugispypandaboes_
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    Maria_PeteJulesJuliettaMSTRRYAN2________mynameisodettemuffylee5favstar1000favsN3XUZbllix
    Invisible_Fish
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    I texted my wife a pic of my junk and she replied asking me to remove her from my contacts list.

    • 184
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1wannajuanaJTQuestMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurkerUsetohavealife____hatehug
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    Runs_WildthedavesherrillLiquorpussy______TheFunnyElitefavstar1000favsEdsDeprickfavstar_popFallun_Angel
    DDDBU____________
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    Nervous about our 1st ultrasound exam. What if my baby doesn't make ultra sounds? What if it's just farting noises? Is it graded on a curve?

    • 180
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1dazzieb5wannajuanaJTQuestDodoLurkerRuns_Wildhatehugispypanda
    • 17
    • RETWEETS
    meows4evaleee424Runs_Wildlejehnfavstar_popRollMeUp_________KFlanagan12favstar1000favs
    ThatsAFakeLaugh__
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    My wife bitched that if all I had was my iPhone I'd be perfectly happy, which is ridiculous to think I'd not also need my phone charger.

    • 157
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1FussySaffawannajuanaMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurkerOh_its_so_goodthehubrist
    • 37
    • RETWEETS
    sairakushJoanne1987ShanHolcombMensageira_Happy_Momstaycie68Twins_Plus_Onemkutch
    DavidKlein5Smethanie
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    One thing about being married with kids is that you'll never be lonely. You will never be alone. You will never ever be by yourself. Ever.

    • 153
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1wannajuanaLadyofCinemaJTQuestMesmerisedMezSheila_Mac420DodoLurkerOh_its_so_good
    • 40
    • RETWEETS
    MesmerisedMezRuns_WildSMom4Lifekittenishcutieheather_lowe_SugunaryMouseandBugEricaKirkland
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    I've been working out extra hard this week because on Saturday I want Jesus to be all like, "Goddamn, son, how much you fucking bench?"

    • 153
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1JTQuestMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurkerhatehugispypandaHormonella
    • 39
    • RETWEETS
    nwanda_Skwidlysaucy_oatmeal__BucketEorilliazumbamelobeefavstar1000favsshamilf
    orilliazumbajeff_kura________
  • cerebralbeef
      Greg @cerebralbeef

    Just did cardio right behind the hottest chick at the gym. Well, up until she started screaming "GET THE FUCK OFF MY TREADMILL YOU ASSHOLE!"

    • 172
    • FAVS
    Jack_Wagon1wannajuanaMesmerisedMezpalindromeiamDodoLurkerOh_its_so_goodhatehugispypanda
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    MSTRRYAN2________Pemberton1988rcguatefavstar1000favsfavstar_popsportieriCabaRayNotWesleySnipes
    CarolEdie
@cerebralbeef

@cerebralbeef

The teeth on my keys all face the same direction on my key ring. Because I'm anal. I also enjoy love songs.