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The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
What if Jamie Lee Curtis is still in Lindsay Lohan’s body and she’s the one ruining her reputation
I was so high I cried because I realized snakes are just tails with faces
Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
Books are just dead tattooed trees and that's metal as fuck
Why does toilet paper NEED a commercial? Who the fuck is not buying toilet paper?
Can we talk about the word queue
How many of those letters are really necessary
I count one
The first caterpillar to turn into a butterfly must of been like YOOOOOOOOO
Beyonce made the song "single ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast
If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son?
Son: I smoked weed, dad
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot
Ain't no condoms in my wallet girl those are ramen noodle flavor packets
I hate how if a woman has sex with a bunch of guys she’s considered a slut, but if a guy does the exact same thing, he’s ‘gay’
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9.30pm
People are far too concerned with the sexual orientation of people they aren’t having sex with
All of my systems are nervous
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