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Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house
The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
What if Jamie Lee Curtis is still in Lindsay Lohan’s body and she’s the one ruining her reputation
I was so high I cried because I realized snakes are just tails with faces
Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
Why does toilet paper NEED a commercial? Who the fuck is not buying toilet paper?
Books are just dead tattooed trees and that's metal as fuck
Can we talk about the word queue
How many of those letters are really necessary
I count one
Beyonce made the song "single ladies" then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast
If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son?
Son: I smoked weed, dad
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot
Ain't no condoms in my wallet girl those are ramen noodle flavor packets
I hate how if a woman has sex with a bunch of guys she’s considered a slut, but if a guy does the exact same thing, he’s ‘gay’
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9.30pm
People are far too concerned with the sexual orientation of people they aren’t having sex with
I'm gonna name my firstborn “arial”
and people will be like “oh like the mermaid” and i’ll say “no like the font”
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” but when I do it, I’m “wasted” and “have to leave Home Depot”
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