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What if Jamie Lee Curtis is still in Lindsay Lohan’s body and she’s the one ruining her reputation
The person who invented marriage was creepy as hell like hey yo I love you so much I'm gonna get the government involved so you can't leave
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family
I was so high I cried because I realized snakes are just tails with faces
Porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters
Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
Why does toilet paper NEED a commercial? Who the fuck is not buying toilet paper?
Dad: Why are you eyes so red, son?
Son: I smoked weed, dad
Dad: Don't lie to me, you were crying because you are a faggot
My internet addiction is getting alt of ctrl
Ain't no condoms in my wallet girl those are ramen noodle flavor packets
A random toddler just waved at me. I didn't wave back.
Welcome to life and it's disappointments you little shit
If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself
I love sleep because it’s like a time machine to breakfast
I hate how if a woman has sex with a bunch of guys she’s considered a slut, but if a guy does the exact same thing, he’s ‘gay’
People are far too concerned with the sexual orientation of people they aren’t having sex with
If anne hath a will, anne hathaway
I'm gonna name my firstborn “arial”
and people will be like “oh like the mermaid” and i’ll say “no like the font”
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9.30pm
Fun fact: Sometimes when I take a shit I put toilet paper in the bowl first so it doesn't make a sound (some tweets credit to tumblr)