If I think about sex every 3.14 seconds does that make me pisexual?

If something can't be fixed with hard work and determination try vodka and nudity.

Women are natures version of the Rubiks cube.

My spirit animal is a Flying Fuck.

Twitter is proof that famous people aren't that interesting, it's the writers behind the empty shell.

Don't get too excited about everyone on twitter thinking you're funny, 90% of them are high and think a sock puppet is hilarious.

If Charlie Sheen and Lindsey Lohan had a child it would be Courtney Love.

I wish all these vegetarians would stop eating my food's food!

My safe word is marry me.

Tweeting is like shouting insane pscho babble at strangers while they throw stars in your cup of despair.

Twitter can be like talking to crazy homeless people through protective glass.

You know you've done enough kegels when you can squeeze a commitment out of him.

Christmas is a weapon of cash destruction.

People freak about their name,address and phone # getting online, but before we'd publish it in a book and send it to every stranger in town

I think church and state separated because church is a gold digging slut.

Hugh Hefner is starting a new dating website for guys like him, it's called carbondating.com

I'd make a joke about my wife being controlling but I'm not allowed to.

Twitter proves as long as you reward people, speak to them in a repectful complimentary way you can speak your mind no matter how twisted.

Cheating on a significant other is a lot like pealing out in a 78 camaro, it feels cool while doing it but in the end you're just a douche.

Twitter has reduced me 2 sitting in the corner, ignoring everyone while staring at my phone and giggling incessantly at my imaginary friends