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Men shouldn't be able to have long white hair unless they can summon a hawk with their mind.
Just got back from my high school baseball coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".
When a man takes a toothpick out of his mouth to tell you something you're about to hear some life changing shit.
Fat chance, and Slim chance mean the same thing so forget your diet and have fun.
I can't even imagine how many children are growing up thinking they're less important than a phone. Hey parents, get your shit together.
Wanna meet the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? Fart in a hotel workout room when you're alone. She'll be there shortly.
Why hasn't Seinfeld sued the Kardashians for stealing his "show about nothing" idea?
Just heard a five year old say Pathetic. I feel like little kids should only know words like Sunshine, and Magical, and Adoption.
Wayne Gretzky: Hello
Dustin Johnson: I won the US Open AND I'm porking your daughter. (whispers) Who's the great one now?
Congrats Louisville, but I think the real winners are the Kenyans that are about to get a shipment of Michigan: NCAA Champion t-shirts.
The coolest part about making mistakes is finding out how many of your friends are perfect.
Just saw a white dad order a vanilla cone, a black mom order a chocolate cone and their kid order a twist. I was right. Ice cream is life.
I think it's interesting that I can't bring more than 3 oz of toothpaste on a plane, but Whooping Cough's patient zero is welcome to fly.
Sometimes I take my daughter's temperature just so she has to stop talking.
People from other countries should be allowed to challenge Americans to their citizenship. It's the only way to get rid of the dead weight.
It turns out you can die from being fucking awesome.
You posting pics of couples that have broken up in the last year and making them sad again is my favorite thing about you.
My wife just asked "What would you do without me?". I told her to grab my laptop and click on the folder entitled "Finally".
I'm Chad Daniels: standup comedian and a writer. Twitter is my adult time so if you want to play nice find me on Facebook.
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