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Men shouldn't be able to have long white hair unless they can summon a hawk with their mind.
Just got back from my high school baseball coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".
I can't even imagine how many children are growing up thinking they're less important than a phone. Hey parents, get your shit together.
Just heard a five year old say Pathetic. I feel like little kids should only know words like Sunshine, and Magical, and Adoption.
Congrats Louisville, but I think the real winners are the Kenyans that are about to get a shipment of Michigan: NCAA Champion t-shirts.
Did you know it takes less muscles to smile than frown? And even less to turn on your fucking blinker.
I'm the friend that keeps filming while a deer beats the shit out of you.
Yesterday I found out some world news via smoke signal. Today I ordered lunch off of an iPad. How long did I sleep?
Nothing says, "I plan on robbing this place" like backing into a parking space.
My respect for Houdini grows every time I try to take off my jacket in an airplane seat.
If you catch a man with your wife he should have to do your yard work for 1,2, or 3 years depending on what hole he was in.
Kangaroos should be called Tyrannosaurus Deer.
Just went to Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and their parkour skills are unparalleled.
Nothing like thanking our veterans by getting their PTSD to act up with loud noises all day.
My wife just asked "What would you do without me?". I told her to grab my laptop and click on the folder entitled "Finally".
My son wouldn't let me share his straw at the movie theatre so I reminded him he came from inside my dick.
Whoever came up with two people sleeping in the same bed just because they like each other is the biggest asshole this world will ever know.
My 14 year old son is in getting a physical from a woman doctor. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
All I want for my birthday is 50 retweets.
I'm Chad Daniels: standup comedian and a writer. Twitter is my adult time so if you want to play nice find me on Facebook.