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Men shouldn't be able to have long white hair unless they can summon a hawk with their mind.
Just got back from my high school baseball coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".
When a man takes a toothpick out of his mouth to tell you something you're about to hear some life changing shit.
Fat chance, and Slim chance mean the same thing so forget your diet and have fun.
I can't even imagine how many children are growing up thinking they're less important than a phone. Hey parents, get your shit together.
Wanna meet the most beautiful woman you've ever seen? Fart in a hotel workout room when you're alone. She'll be there shortly.
Why hasn't Seinfeld sued the Kardashians for stealing his "show about nothing" idea?
Just heard a five year old say Pathetic. I feel like little kids should only know words like Sunshine, and Magical, and Adoption.
Congrats Louisville, but I think the real winners are the Kenyans that are about to get a shipment of Michigan: NCAA Champion t-shirts.
The coolest part about making mistakes is finding out how many of your friends are perfect.
People from other countries should be allowed to challenge Americans to their citizenship. It's the only way to get rid of the dead weight.
Sometimes I take my daughter's temperature just so she has to stop talking.
You posting pics of couples that have broken up in the last year and making them sad again is my favorite thing about you.
My wife just asked "What would you do without me?". I told her to grab my laptop and click on the folder entitled "Finally".
I can send people right to voicemail when they call. Wish I could push a button to get sent straight to it when I call someone else.
If you live to be 80, but you spent the last 50 years doing the same thing day after day, then you died at 30.
Did you know it takes less muscles to smile than frown? And even less to turn on your fucking blinker.
My son wouldn't let me share his straw at the movie theatre so I reminded him he came from inside my dick.
I'm Chad Daniels: standup comedian and a writer. Twitter is my adult time so if you want to play nice find me on Facebook.
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