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Just got back from my high school baseball coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".
Congrats Louisville, but I think the real winners are the Kenyans that are about to get a shipment of Michigan: NCAA Champion t-shirts.
Yesterday I found out some world news via smoke signal. Today I ordered lunch off of an iPad. How long did I sleep?
Nothing says, "I plan on robbing this place" like backing into a parking space.
My respect for Houdini grows every time I try to take off my jacket in an airplane seat.
If you catch a man with your wife he should have to do your yard work for 1,2, or 3 years depending on what hole he was in.
Kangaroos should be called Tyrannosaurus Deer.
Did you know it takes less muscles to smile than frown? And even less to turn on your fucking blinker.
My wife just asked "What would you do without me?". I told her to grab my laptop and click on the folder entitled "Finally".
My son wouldn't let me share his straw at the movie theatre so I reminded him he came from inside my dick.
Whoever came up with two people sleeping in the same bed just because they like each other is the biggest asshole this world will ever know.
All I want for my birthday is 50 retweets.
If they wanted the evacuation to be taken seriously they should have named it Hurricane Sandusky.
73% of black people will never find a pre-made souvenir with their name on it.
Heard a guy say "I've had sex more times than God". Well then, congratulations on once.
Hispanic Pope. I bet he leaves the sticker on his new hat.
I think the lyrics "On and on, until the break of dawn" were written about my wife's ability to get to the point of a story.
I'm not trying to brag about my wealth, but sometimes when a pistachio doesn't have a crack in it I'll throw it right in the garbage.
I like playing the game "Going Green, Exercise, or DUI" when an adult rides by me on a bike.
Thanks a lot, Toy Story 3. I'm turning into a hoarder because I'm scared to throw anything away.
I'm Chad Daniels: standup comedian and a writer. Twitter is my adult time so if you want to play nice find me on Facebook.