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Okay, we shall bug you no longer
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Gift @chaddaniels34 Favstar Pro to unlock their best tweet!Gift them Pro!

    • 186
    • FAVS
    MollySneedcatheroni53darthmangaxokelsncaliRedWhovianj_dub8TorrieBowkinky_sub
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    andcitylightsJohnSwallow4Ryan_lee73GoogleBekkyBookinky_subJasonSteelePTmatt_mccthatsyerjob
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Men shouldn't be able to have long white hair unless they can summon a hawk with their mind.

    • 181
    • FAVS
    MollySneedjaredshipleyRisheronaDriftRobertsjukeboxcomedyTierno158Lady_PaladinJulius__Pringle
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    labas432thelostdwarfjukeboxcomedyJulius__Pringleprincesslisa20mikeshippeygottahavheartmeg_cannon
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Just got back from my high school baseball coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".

    • 106
    • FAVS
    MollySneedcookiesnweedbahaishkalliwawahamsandcastlegrogglizdropsitJumpingJesusH
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    FairmaniacDodgeCaseyjeremiahgravesCheapSeatChronKirbysLeftEyeEric_Clarksongroggfavstar1000favs
    Erik_AllenSamGrittner
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    When a man takes a toothpick out of his mouth to tell you something you're about to hear some life changing shit.

    • 111
    • FAVS
    GodBlessAchoothepaulboothbongripsandtitstmoswolebkdcaseyTw1tter_K1ttenleahlovescheezjaycubed2k
    • 68
    • RETWEETS
    Nahal019tmoswoleAnsRaja_Tw1tter_K1ttenjaycubed2kHIGHdJOOhmanitsthekingjustmike74
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    I can't even imagine how many children are growing up thinking they're less important than a phone. Hey parents, get your shit together.

    • 106
    • FAVS
    HearyehearyeeSourFruitLadyvLatZwillstaggHogpuddinHawgLegHendrixHannahCHuntFayyazGul2
    • 44
    • RETWEETS
    HawgLegHendrixMollySneednewstart43RonnieDobbs3MarluNicolaiMartiBeesonadeanyadayalephh
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Just heard a five year old say Pathetic. I feel like little kids should only know words like Sunshine, and Magical, and Adoption.

    • 82
    • FAVS
    MollySneedKelgoreTroutJazz_MunitzcatsuploverYrBaristaHatesUErezaRexhepinotbrandonIrbyechobunny9203
    • 36
    • RETWEETS
    ErezaRexhepiClaireBearOnenotbrandonIrbyhbreaker9999jaycubed2kHIGHdJObonginn666Adil_Usman26
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Congrats Louisville, but I think the real winners are the Kenyans that are about to get a shipment of Michigan: NCAA Champion t-shirts.

    • 31
    • FAVS
    MollySneedErik_Allenget_rad_scumbagrancemeredithLvl99Joel_adambs928SkitzocynicJunkgirlJen1020
    • 84
    • RETWEETS
    enpettersenrancemeredithPatrickArnold35bucksfan1005Chckadee12chuckenrightfurstclass21MafiosoDaMob
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    My wife just asked "What would you do without me?". I told her to grab my laptop and click on the folder entitled "Finally".

    • 60
    • FAVS
    MindBytesMissmacguffGeoroyodoug_rhoanlonibitch__TheOrchidShowlivingmylife4uMarioMeldz
    • 34
    • RETWEETS
    d3str0y3dshanrmooredandazmanmegadorktroncolettethoxlivingmylife4uBradySeculeslovedogkibble
    MollySneed
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    If you live to be 80, but you spent the last 50 years doing the same thing day after day, then you died at 30.

    • 53
    • FAVS
    HIGHdJOjaycubed2kWingmouthDJCerebrakeirsten_j3JammingRseattle24jaysketchbook34
    • 35
    • RETWEETS
    jaycubed2kHIGHdJODJCerebraseattle24jaymarissapc2010sarahliz85rancemeredithcontrapants
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Did you know it takes less muscles to smile than frown? And even less to turn on your fucking blinker.

    • 45
    • FAVS
    MollySneedFengel1djbanim8rErik_Allenromulus9peteleetweetsElConquiistadorgraceholsten
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    Yuliafarfanovadjbanim8rbenjspudsElConquiistadormatdelf07btunstallpartyboobzmcdubs8
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    My son wouldn't let me share his straw at the movie theatre so I reminded him he came from inside my dick.

    • 53
    • FAVS
    HearyehearyeeAnemoneOh__Indiana2015__UntouchableSheJaeMar68KimKardashsToelitfirebirdSammyJB121
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    dandazmanJaeMar68litfirebirdSayhikristy_kelleymargaretHogpuddinHawgLegHendrixtherealrails
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    I'm the friend that keeps filming while a deer beats the shit out of you.

    • 62
    • FAVS
    MollySneedNerdsnWheyMarieSoltis__kianpratyjimmykinkadejhalm40sebastianinksb00bsradley
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    bombscribeassilem28ericghillWeedlerzbecklemeisterTheWillieCoxJrthesarawoodDTaylor1324
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Yesterday I found out some world news via smoke signal. Today I ordered lunch off of an iPad. How long did I sleep?

    • 25
    • FAVS
    MollySneedErik_AllenPearlElizabethFBannerComedyandyeriksonShawnTheZAXDADitsaBBNbabyEricOpperman
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    stevenberry_1Indyron78ShawnTheZAXDADvwfan01iamdanpetersenLAHahn29benlagoocoryppl
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    When my daughter sees her first dick I hope she makes the same face she just did when she tried my coffee.

    • 53
    • FAVS
    MollySneedPatGodwinlibbygetslowtrentmellingerHIGHdJOdavidbtannerkendramccabeAmy_Gifford
    • 20
    • RETWEETS
    MikeMikefoolvalorietaylor43Pete745__rancemeredithlocalinsomniacChrisTurmoilJamieLissow_COLLECTIONS_
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    If you catch a man with your wife he should have to do your yard work for 1,2, or 3 years depending on what hole he was in.

    • 22
    • FAVS
    MollySneedBrettMillerBMFJCBNEdarinlovesbaconkelkulusEric_Bader________Erik_AllenGaryTomblin____
    • 51
    • RETWEETS
    Eric_Bader________bdherzbergsandman730Bmunson89macmarsh1MantisHayeslarrywetzeljr5218
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Nothing says, "I plan on robbing this place" like backing into a parking space.

    • 19
    • FAVS
    MollySneedEric_Bader________Erik_AllenandyeriksonshnikesagainTessaBobIncburgessanthemGroperCleveland
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    RicoInAnkenyalmwolftrentgillaspiekoogmoTessaBobIncromulus9JamHam27ValerieHegdal
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Kangaroos should be called Tyrannosaurus Deer.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    MollySneedcawpinErik_Allenbramabull423SHUTUP_saradarinlovesbaconCJisFINDINGitEric_Bader________
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    bramabull423SHUTUP_saraCJisFINDINGitEric_Bader________chad_m44NurseChewie____PoTeeTweetYourbadself
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    My respect for Houdini grows every time I try to take off my jacket in an airplane seat.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    MollySneedsnotrocketeerMariaJappanBestPatEverHoboRobotNickyTonyaparnapkinBruceThompson51
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    IanDolsonJennfr_GGormogonsJamieLissowjoshcopenpeteleetweetsdavewaitecomedycomedynest
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Guys always say, "If I'm half the man my dad was I'll be happy". Well, break out the bubbly. That's how genetics works.

    • 49
    • FAVS
    ErikZ_79owalkaflockaTheDezMollySneedkeirsten_j3rancemeredithDaveZulaStrattonHaleigh
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    errrmacMorrowlandscapetheonewithabbylesloxoxoseattle24jaycsixmichlkoeremomania
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Comedians: please don't brag on social media about your sold out show tonight. It's Valentine's Day. You had nothing to do with it.

    • 58
    • FAVS
    MollySneedkeirsten_j3MikeMikefoolBRIAN_SCOLARORobinShepard66seepeteyrunKerryVentgabekea
    • 9
    • RETWEETS
    citizenkeanedavegmencarellibipolarbear420AUGIETComedianDorianVkermetapioCarldoesstuffaleshakae
@chaddaniels34

@chaddaniels34

I'm Chad Daniels: standup comedian and a writer. Twitter is my adult time so if you want to play nice find me on Facebook.

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