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  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    I wish he could have seen himself through our eyes. It seems the brightest never can. Fuck you Depression. Fuck you. #RobinWilliams

    • 185
    • FAVS
    catheroni53darthmangaxokelsncaliRedWhovianj_dub8TorrieBowhornybabe_78bonnie_em_b
    • 121
    • RETWEETS
    andcitylightsJohnSwallow4Ryan_lee73GoogleBekkyBoohornybabe_78JasonSteelePTmatt_mccthatsyerjob
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Men shouldn't be able to have long white hair unless they can summon a hawk with their mind.

    • 180
    • FAVS
    jaredshipleyRisheronaDriftRobertsjukeboxcomedyTierno158Lady_PaladinRegina_Universepangieevee
    • 69
    • RETWEETS
    DiverVanDiverthelostdwarfjukeboxcomedyRegina_Universeprincesslisa20mikeshippeygottahavheartmeg_cannon
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Just got back from my high school baseball coach's funeral. I leaned over the casket and whispered "YOU walk it off".

    • 105
    • FAVS
    cookiesnweedbahaishkalliwawahamsandcastlegrogglizdropsitJumpingJesusHKimKardashsToe
    • 88
    • RETWEETS
    FairmaniacDodgeCaseyjeremiahgravesCheapSeatChronKirbysLeftEyeEric_Clarksongroggfavstar1000favs
    Erik_AllenSamGrittner
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    I can't even imagine how many children are growing up thinking they're less important than a phone. Hey parents, get your shit together.

    • 98
    • FAVS
    hanaskellingtn__RonnieDobbs3AphroditeAfter5Moefreedmanjohno_kranofskyCamxRooneyprincessbowserURdreamingnow
    • 39
    • RETWEETS
    RonnieDobbs3MarluNicolaiMartiBeesonadeanyadayalephhLiteralJenalsotimayeeeannieee
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Just heard a five year old say Pathetic. I feel like little kids should only know words like Sunshine, and Magical, and Adoption.

    • 81
    • FAVS
    KelgoreTroutJazz_MunitzcatsuploverYrBaristaHatesUErezaRexhepinotbrandonIrbyechobunny9203HIGHdJO
    • 36
    • RETWEETS
    ErezaRexhepiClaireBearOnenotbrandonIrbyhbreaker9999jaycubed2kHIGHdJObonnyisjailbaitAdil_Usman26
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Congrats Louisville, but I think the real winners are the Kenyans that are about to get a shipment of Michigan: NCAA Champion t-shirts.

    • 29
    • FAVS
    Erik_Allenget_rad_scumbagrancemeredithLvl99Joel_adambs928AaronTheSimmsJunkgirlJen1020JPHaddadio
    • 83
    • RETWEETS
    maybach6536rancemeredithPatrickArnold35bucksfan1005Chckadee12chuckenrightfurstclass21MafiosoDaMob
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Did you know it takes less muscles to smile than frown? And even less to turn on your fucking blinker.

    • 44
    • FAVS
    Fengel1djbanim8rErik_Allenromulus9peteleetweetsElConquiistadorgraceholstenDan_D_604
    • 38
    • RETWEETS
    Yuliafarfanovadjbanim8rbenjspudsElConquiistadormatdelf07btunstallpartyboobzmcdubs8
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    I'm the friend that keeps filming while a deer beats the shit out of you.

    • 61
    • FAVS
    NerdsnWheyMarieSoltiskianpratyjimmykinkadejhalm40sebastianinksb00bsradleyalsotim
    • 19
    • RETWEETS
    bombscribeassilem28ericghillWeedlerzbecklemeisterTheWillieCoxJrthesarawoodDTaylor1324
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Yesterday I found out some world news via smoke signal. Today I ordered lunch off of an iPad. How long did I sleep?

    • 24
    • FAVS
    Erik_AllenPearlElizabethFBannerComedyandyeriksonShawnTheZAXDADitsaBBNbabyEricOppermanbenlagoo
    • 49
    • RETWEETS
    stevenberry_1Indyron78ShawnTheZAXDADvwfan01iamdanpetersenLAHahn29benlagoocoryppl
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Nothing says, "I plan on robbing this place" like backing into a parking space.

    • 18
    • FAVS
    Eric_Bader________Erik_AllenandyeriksonshnikesagainTessaBobIncburgessanthemGroperClevelandGaryTomblin____
    • 53
    • RETWEETS
    RicoInAnkenyalmwolftrentgillaspiekoogmoTessaBobIncromulus9JamHam27ValerieHegdal
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    My respect for Houdini grows every time I try to take off my jacket in an airplane seat.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    snotrocketeerMariaJappanBestPatEverHoboRobotNickyTonyaparnapkinBruceThompson51Chris_Doucette
    • 31
    • RETWEETS
    IanDolsonJennfr_GGormogonsJamieLissowjoshcopenpeteleetweetsdavewaitecomedycomedynest
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    If you catch a man with your wife he should have to do your yard work for 1,2, or 3 years depending on what hole he was in.

    • 21
    • FAVS
    BrettMillerBMFJCBNEdarinlovesbaconkelkulusEric_Bader________Erik_AllenGaryTomblin____andyerikson
    • 47
    • RETWEETS
    Eric_Bader________bdherzbergsandman730Bmunson89macmarsh1MantisHayeslarrywetzeljr5218
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Kangaroos should be called Tyrannosaurus Deer.

    • 38
    • FAVS
    cawpinErik_Allenbramabull423SHUTUP_saradarinlovesbaconCJisFINDINGitEric_Bader________pjlynch
    • 30
    • RETWEETS
    bramabull423SHUTUP_saraCJisFINDINGitEric_Bader________chad_m44NurseChewie____PoTeeTweetYourbadself
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Just went to Dawn of the Planet of the Apes and their parkour skills are unparalleled.

    • 37
    • FAVS
    sledmanwillieAlexHaralsonJCMcMinnhouseoffellingbarbhayneszoelearypunchlinepunchDatDude_TC
    • 29
    • RETWEETS
    Katchoo_FranceThe_Holc_Magic_City5therealptaschinunclemike000lilpup23SNOOP_DODDCaleb_Dever
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Nothing like thanking our veterans by getting their PTSD to act up with loud noises all day.

    • 36
    • FAVS
    eskimopie124Funnyguy194kalebhalejane_bothomepage_pJosieASchmidtTayalee0808EthanHeidorn
    • 28
    • RETWEETS
    rancemeredithsolrac2900michel_jamiecoreylansingestavaaserinsmommy1SchaferMirandacamicakes_
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    My wife just asked "What would you do without me?". I told her to grab my laptop and click on the folder entitled "Finally".

    • 39
    • FAVS
    Erik_Allenbramabull423BrettMillerBMFag_loco__________nats_mix_tapeJCBNEmyblueharrysparklepicnic
    • 22
    • RETWEETS
    bramabull423BrettMillerBMFculmastadmEric_Bader________richierich1974__RealPROSPEKTJHale42bronsonwagner
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    My son wouldn't let me share his straw at the movie theatre so I reminded him he came from inside my dick.

    • 39
    • FAVS
    Erik_AllenEric_Bader________andyeriksonpjlynchharmonyjoyyyNateAbshireLysergicAcid_iick0____________
    • 21
    • RETWEETS
    MikeHawk5150TheDezassilem28acrotalusa________cyberhorse30mckennaseanFaheemMeerJJadziaDax__
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    Whoever came up with two people sleeping in the same bed just because they like each other is the biggest asshole this world will ever know.

    • 44
    • FAVS
    o_parsonsErik_Allenmike_beagah83tcloopsanthonyhi11BannerComedywahidaorambo_tarzan
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    o_parsonsBroncoJeffnekojenjencincyboilerfozzwellPeineComedyAcmeComedyCofreshsqueezed16
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    My 14 year old son is in getting a physical from a woman doctor. Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

    • 43
    • FAVS
    abby13normalgvp1971Rum_BellyTorreyFDaveZulaTurnsMcGurnslinks_slayerJakeAupperle
    • 15
    • RETWEETS
    abby13normalrancemeredithKeithCisselldrakefiergeKaboom3STicombatsurgeonJDProvorsegabe_noah
  • chaddaniels34
      chaddaniels @chaddaniels34

    All I want for my birthday is 50 retweets.

    • 3
    • FAVS
    unusedfunCarlosRamz1Simmons1172
    • 54
    • RETWEETS
    ErikJSandersgkupergingerky1joseph_hainesAustinAcreeAJDiana5jasonbaldwinDapper_Sapper
@chaddaniels34

@chaddaniels34

I'm Chad Daniels: standup comedian and a writer. Twitter is my adult time so if you want to play nice find me on Facebook.