I need a good excuse for how I broke my wife's breast pump. Anyone?

If I was an ax murderer the first thing I would do is switch to being a knife murderer! Axes are heavy.

It's amazing to me that there are no safety warnings on these anal beads!
I almost took out someones eye on the elevator today!

I'd send my kids to a daycare run by prison inmates before I'd send them to a Catholic school or church.

“@rude_jude: If you can't do it sober then maybe you should just leave it alone.”

I should quit driving school bus then.

@pleasureellis <--- this guy will help you get your soul right!

Hand cuffs are a joke! If you've never been strapped to a dolly with the Hannibal Lecter mask then you're a pussy

Would it be stupid to steal tweets just to sell them on eBay for others to retweet?

Or am I an evil genius? Wahahaha!

I never star homeless peoples tweets. They'll just use them to buy booze!

Hey auto spell, excuse the funk out of me shut face!

Getting married just cause youre pregnant makes about as much sense as butt fucking a dead deer on the side of the road just cause its there

I hope when I die people post death jokes on twitter.

Men don't fake orgasms. They do however fake shitting to have orgasms!

Come on ladies, no one poops that much.

Tim Tebow just became an atheist.

Im the @c_j_commode of greasing the speed slide at the water park with veg oil and emptying the pool and filling it with big black dildos

My wife discovered my twitter account. Christ! You'd think I was fucking you people.


She didn't get it!

If I had a British accent I would be a smart ass all the time!

If I could choose any super power, I would choose being able to shit silently in public bathrooms

What does someone who is blind since birth think about when they masturbate?

Whos sicker?the guy who tried jerking of a cow and invented milk?Or the guy who let the milk sit in a bucket for a month and invented cheese