This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead

The only good thing about skinny jeans is that it lowers the sperm count of the douche bags that wear them.

Why didn't the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock...

Why is the Michelin man white? When was the last time you saw a white tire? Damn racists...

I don't think Chris Brown is a bad person, somebody had to stop Rihanna's forehead before it ate Manhattan

Burned 20,000 calories in just 45 minutes! By leaving my pizza in the oven too long :(

I should write a self help book, ill call it "Why your life will always be shit" And all it will say is "because you read self help books"

Dear future employers: 100% of what i tweet is lies...and its not even me

Dear Superman, glasses and a suit dont count as a disguise you lazy illegal alien immigrant!

You know what's cuter than a baby cow? Steak.

Im a lot like rain man, except Im shit at maths.

Ricky Martin: you laugh at his sexuality, he laughs at your bank account

Why does the supermarket employee ALWAYS ask me if i want bags with my groceries. No thanks ill play grocery jenga all the way home...

Ok Bob let me get this straight, your alibi for the deputy's murder is that you shot the sheriff? You don't quite get how this works do you?

Hey everybody during the zombie apocalypse, can you please promise to have my back, the black guy always dies first :(

You ever notice how in vodka commercials everybody's looking good and classy and dignified? Exactly how you look when you dont drink vodka.

This girl I dated said she liked fight club. I put her in intensive care,, FIRST RULE OF FIGHT CLUB IS, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT FIGHT CLUB

Alcohol: Because no good story begins with "This one time I was having a glass of milk"

Do hindus say "Oh my several Gods"?

Calling you an asshole is an insult so assholes, which serve a useful purpose. You're an appendix