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Chad Qualls handed his walking papers today. He crumpled them into a ball and threw it in disgust. It was immediately hit for a 3-run homer.
@pattonoswalt "The Cat, The Hat, His Wife And Her Lover"
#HigherStakesChildrensBooks
@pattonoswalt That clinking sound you heard was from monocles falling into brandy snifters all across this land.
@nancygracehln @adrianchen If killing my grandmother for pizza is wrong, then I've been wrong twice.
@pattonoswalt: Little Douche Booth
#failedfastfemininehygienekiosks
God made cancer, too. Let's see you turn THAT into a truck commercial.
It was arrogant on George Clooney's part to think he could rob the Bellagio, the Mirage, and the MGM Grand and not get arrested eventually.
I will continue rooting for #ThisFuckingTeam because in 20 years, when the Phillies are good again, I can act all smug about it.
Utley: Isn't it rich? Aren't we a pair? Howard: Me with my foot in a boot, your knees need repair. Both: Send in Valdez...
White smoke = "Habemus Papem"
Black smoke = "No consensus"
Purple smoke = "Scored tickets to see Prince"
#conclave
"Siri, does Marcellus Wallace look like a bitch?"
"I'm sorry, I don't understand."
"SAY 'I don't understand' ONE MORE TIME, MOTHERFUCKER!"
Every state that legalizes gay marriage means another horcrux shattered for Fred Phelps.
Amaro: We traded Valdez. All: Well, maybe... next year....
#PhilliesDoSondheim
How soon before we see a Meat Loaf, Ted Nugent, Dave Mustaine, Kid Rock and Gene Simmons super group called The Sore Losers?
Little. Yellow. Different.
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