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Siri: Remind me to never dry my cat in a microwave again.
Jimmy johns is a great place to go if you want a bunch of kids too young to buy cigarettes to poison you with bleach
Chillin by the keg at this grad party, chanting for my parents to chug their beers 🍻
My car wasn't going to make it home..so i pulled over & walked to arby's..
"HAHAH OH MY GAWDDDD" -My girlfriend w/her friends...
my shoulder just twitched so bad that i thought someone snuck up behind me and poked me