There's a guy here texting on a flip phone. Just like Christopher Columbus did.

Did you know you can just buy a Klondike Bar?!

*Pulling pants back up*

Just once, I'd like to sleep as soundly as a cartoon sheriff responsible for a ring of keys.

Twitter won me over when I discovered that I wouldn't have to acknowledge any of your birthdays.

Was feeling a little down earlier, but then I pictured Gary Busey losing his balloon at an amusement park, and I'm fine now.

What doesn't kill me, makes my drinks stronger.

If pigs could fly, I bet their wings would be yummy too.

In dog beers, I've only had one.

I'm just going to start using Twitter as my emergency contact.

You better spank me; it's the only way I'll learn.

Just stop it, Asian dudes with blonde hair. You're scaring the children.

If you hold your ear to a bottle of butterscotch schnapps, you can hear drunk girls crying on the curb in front of The Roxy.

I don't think you guys fully comprehend how often you're one well worded complement away from having your brains thoroughly fucked out.

Ok, calm the fuck down ladies in yogurt commercials. It's raspberry cheesecake flavoured fermented milk, not cunnilingus.

Whenever I start thinking that I might want an iPad, I remind myself that I can just hold my iPhone closer to my face.

I couldn't hate you if I wanted to. I know, because I really really tried.

You can always tell when white people are dancing to a song with the word "you" in it because it's mandatory that we point at someone.

I make a mean tiramisu. This one just told me to go fuck myself.

Dear M Night Shyamalan, it's okay to be out of ideas. Love, everyone.

Children should be seen and not heard. And not seen.