joke: a man walks into a bar and asks for punch "u'll have to wait" says the bartender "theres a line" the man looks around but no punchline

son we need to talk. about your report card. son did you know your grades spell "ACDC" here is a high five and your bedtime is never

*cops knock on door* "open up we smell weed" WHOEVER SMELT IT DEALT IT i yell at the door. *pause* *muffled sound of handcuffs clicking*

girl, call me daft punk because i was gonna release my 7" but it leaked before i could get it out

also remember that it's impossible for pigs to look up at the sky so if you ever get the chance to hold baby pigs, show em the sky

ｓｐｉｄｅｒｓ ｃａｎ ｂｅ ｆｒｉｅｎｄｓ ｔｏｏ ａｎｄ ｙｏｕ ｃａｎ ｅｖｅｎ ｓｌｅｅｐ ｗｉｔｈ ｏｎｅ ａｎｄ ｉｔ ｗｉｌｌ ｄｅｆｉｎｉｔｅｌｙ ＮＯＴ ｂｉｔｅ ｙｏｕ, A Book Written By: Ａ Ｓｐｉｄｅｒ

it is 2024. you wake up one morning and scream "HOLY SHIT" your flip your desk "I FORGOT ABOUT DRE"

ron paul here with a msg for teens. vote for me—im a lot like you. we both don't understand economics and we call things we don't like "gay"

obama waits til night and silently creeps downstairs so he doesnt wake michelle. he takes out his iphone "siri" he whispers "do girls poop"

my dick is 14 inches long in dog inches

next time a bully says "kiss my ass" say "id rather ur lips" and maybe he'll kiss u & later when hes on "COPS" u can say "i kissed that guy"

tumblr is just millions of assholes who think they're geniuses, twitter is just millions of geniuses who think they're worthless

girl, call me Papa Roach because you liked me for a week in 7th grade but youve viciously denied it ever since

the room is tense. the lawyer wipes his brow and his lips finally part. "yolo" he whispers. the jury goes wild and casey anthony is free

life is like football except instead of endzones its friendzones and u just run back and forth between them until you die

if you think about it, squirrels are a lot like cigarettes bc theyre perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire

[lady gaga holds up stillborn baby] BORN THIS WAY [rips dead baby] TORN THIS WAY [fashions baby into a hat] WORN THIS WAY [crowd goes crazy]

lol good one mom i never go outisse http://t.co/hIjopJJc

ha ha no no bro chill. im not racist i'm white! and white is ALL the colors

dad u never told me u livetweeted my birth "yea son check it" *acct has 3M follows and 2 tweets "cant wait to get outta here" & "looks gay"*