How come people keep punching pandas in the eyes?

Nice try, Folgers, but the best part of waking up is going right back to sleep.

Still waiting for GaGa to wear a giraffe's neck as a belt and just drag the rest of it's body behind her.

Twitter rhymes with bitter and that cannot be just some coincidence

I thought this one customer had a medical problem with his legs but it turns out he just walks like that because he has swagger.

I still call it duck tape. I don't even care.

Nice try, Fosters, but Australian isn't actually a language.

I refuse to stop pronouncing the t's that should be in Lil' Wayne's name.

When god created the tarantula he was all "HEY GUYS CHECK OUT THIS CRAZY SHIT"

cats are all TRY THIS IT'S EASY and I'm all I CAN'T PHYSICALLY RUN UP A TREE ASSHOLE :(

Really really old people dig my new haircut.

The word is "legitimate". FINISH IT. FINISH SAYING THE WORD.

Are some black people just born with treasure in their teeth or is it like a nobility thing?

It's not that we can't touch it, mc hammer. It's that we WON'T.

I wish daisies didn't have to be associated with whoopsies.

Instead of asking someone what they do for a living, I prefer yelling WHO DO YOU WORK FOR???

Saw a teddy bear in the trash. Part of me died.

"OH, LAWD OF THE RANGS HAVE MERCY" -sassy, yet kinda nerdy, black woman

Fast food employees always call me ma'am over the intercom.

All I have to do to stop liking a girl is ask her about politics because I live in Texas and everyone here is wrong