I don't have instagram, so I thought you guys should know I had Starbucks this morning. The cup was super cool looking. I also saw a rainbow

In case of a zombie apocalypse, I'm surrounding my house with treadmills.

RT if your profile pic is actually you. Only got one rt on this last time.

An apple a day can keep ANYONE away if you throw it really hard at their face

Maybe its not them, Taylor Swift. Maybe its you.

Just flipped my son off behind his back because I'm an adult and don't get into arguments with 4 year olds.

People need to stop calling me. This phone is for twitter and angry birds, assholes.

Such a fucking ingrate. I make her breakfast in bed and all she has is questions. "who are you?" "how did you get in my house?" blah blah

Twitter. Because in real life, hot girls hate when you follow them.

The braille at the drive thru ATM actually says "What the fuck are you doing?"

You're sexy, but not "I don't care if you have horrible grammar" sexy.

My son just told me he wants to be like me when he grows up. Way to set the bar super fucking low, pal. Enjoy your mediocrity.

My cat uses his own ass for a pillow. HIS OWN ASS. I'd sleep all fucking day too if I could do that shit.

One day, someone will call me sir without adding "I think we're going to have to ask you to leave."

If you like a tweet, star that shit. That way the person knows you read and liked it. I assume that 97% of my followers fucking hate me.

My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.

My son just asked if I could beat up Superman. I said yes. Why not? Kids are stupid.

Fuck this. I'm done hanging out with M.C. Hammer if hes not going to let me fucking touch anything.

I always wear Tap Out shirts around the house so my cats know not to fuck with me.

I never judge someone by their looks.
Unless they look like a fucking psycho.
Or an idiot.
Douchebag.
Skank.
Redneck.
Asshole.

Nevermind.