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I would love to be a follower of Christ, but I can't find him on Twitter.
A hangover is just a friendly reminder that you're not yet an alcoholic.
We're out of toilet paper. Thank God I have my Twilight books.
No. You can't wear sunglasses inside. Not unless you're hungover, you have a black eye or your name is Bono. Sometimes they overlap.
4000 followers. I feel like Jesus in the early days, before he sold out and got mainstream.
When I see a beautiful girl, I go up to her, shake her hand and says "Hi, I'm Charlie. Big fan!" You'd be surprised how often that works.
Does it count as a threesome if I used two hands?
I like how Twitter has become a cheap alternative to therapy.
Covered in glitter, walking in the sun, waiting to get jumped by randy Twilight fans.
Twitter is the only place on Earth where sarcasm, brain farts and utter bullshit is considered the highest of currencies.
A bro shall not poke another bro. On Facebook or anywhere else for that matter.
I like how Adam Sandler refuses to make funny movies just to make his colleagues look awesome.
When you finish your first case of beer before noon, you're either an alcoholic or Scandinavian. They often overlap.
Past Me thought I could drink for 12 hours, get 3 hours sleep and then work 8 hours. Present Me strongly adviced against it, yet here we are
You girls who color your hair unconventionally, you have bigger balls than any guy would ever dream of.
That awkward moment when your doctor has both his hands on your shoulders during your prostate exam
Jesus hacked my Twitter account and wrote that I don't hate anyone. That is a lie. I hate Hannibal Lector. He freaks me out.
Can we please have a Dave Grohl Center For Kids Who Can't Play Music Good? Enroll One Direction for starters. Should be plenty to work with.
Being drunk at a party, smiling to a girl who looks at you smiling back. Realizing that it's a guy - go straight home.
The name 'Skrillex' derives from his sound when he sneezes, what he says when he has an orgasm, and the name of his home planet.
Pocket philosophical troller and half-witted unkempt anthropologist. http://www.soundclick.com/charliekay