I just want to eat pizza in bed and tell a long line of people who think they're models that they aren't models.

Someday I will disappoint a burglar with my one drawer of Taco Bell mild sauce packets.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.

I hate when I read a fashion blog and it's like, "This jumpsuit is such a steal! Only $129!" I'm like, fuck you, I had BBQ chips for dinner.

Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes you're amazing.

"I thought I'd be prettier by now," I whispered. "I'm gonna go now," said the pizza man.

If I don't miss you when I'm drunk, I don't miss you.

It would be a lot easier to get out of bed if at least five or six people were obsessed with me.

For our first date, we'll dump a Crayola 64 box onto the floor, and put them back from worst to favorite.

Where can I submit the photos I want them to use if I go missing?

I bet dying feels like taking off your bra but better.

"It didn't work," I said quietly, as I pushed the half-empty bottle of no tears shampoo toward the cashier.

It pains me to say this, but I think we're good on odd yet adorable Jewy improv guys.

"Like, I can't be happy with anyone. I'm incapable of love," I confessed. "Your total is $7.24. Please pull up to the window," he replied.

I just really hope that right now some scary gang member is starting off a group email with, "Hey, gang!"

Taking a long shower and then seeing your phone still has no messages is the new sitting alone at the dance.

Can you spell Matthew McConaughey without googling? Why?

All of the guys I meet end up giving me that feeling when you push a door but you were supposed to pull.

Grab a few friends, sit on the ground, look in different directions miserably, take a picture. Congrats, you're officially in a band!

All of my walks of shame are from the kitchen.