"I would rather die than be ordinary!" I shouted. "Please get off the giraffe," security repeated.

I can't wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

Sorry I yelled "killin' it" when your mom was eating that banana.

"She died doing what she loved: wanting to die."

"Time is so crazy. What is time? It passes and before you know it, you die alone," I said. "Your pizza isn't ready yet," he repeated.

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don't wanna have to explain why I'm in your 'Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.

Insomnia's like, "HERE. DEAL WITH YOURSELF SOME MORE."

I tipped you 60% because you watched me eat alone.

THE GHOSTS OF YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIPS ARE SPEAKING TO YOU THROUGH ITUNES SHUFFLE

If I see a man with flowers, I grab them and yell, "Everything dies!" and run away and I need you to pick me up from the police station.

I can't decide which is sadder - orphans, or the faces we make while pumping gas.

Most of my internet activity begins with "Let's check out what this asshole's up to."

Sorry my apartment is so messy, I haven't been having sex with anyone.

i like crying in the car because it's like yeah i'm sad but bitch i got places to be

$ = that one night S got wasted and killed it on the stripper pole

Yo, you ever get a little jealous while pairing up your socks?

Life comes down to the ones who wait 'till you get inside safely or the ones who just drive away.

Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I can't orgasm until I've seen you properly handle "it's" and "its".

"This is exactly why we can't be friends," he said, furiously putting on his pants, as I continued to slow clap naked from the bed.

"Oh shit me too." - my first day as a therapist