Showing off my body at the gym. Everyone is jealous that I eat more than they do.

My dirty clothes are coming dangerously close to fusing with my clean clothes on my floor.

My fish are really bad at telling me when they're hungry.

I just stirred my crystal light with the fork I used to eat last night's macaroni and cheese. I think I am officially unemployed now.

I was going to recycle a really old tweet, but I'm too lazy to scroll down that far.

It's really hard to say 'congrats' without sounding sarcastic.

Once you have a trash can that closes itself, you can stop trying in life.

I'm hungry. What's for whiskey?

You're welcome, guy who saw me lick ice cream off my sunglasses.

You must really use keys a lot, people with a lanyard of keys around your neck.

My iPhone just auto corrected 'wasted' to 'Easter'. A sign from Jesus to stop drinking.

I am just waiting for the soul patch trend to start up again.

I think Kanye has a hearing problem. He constantly says 'huh' after most verses while rapping.

The shower is my second favorite nap spot. Right after the toilet.

"My dad was wrong, I do like girls."

I hate when the wind messes up my mustache.

I threw pies at the kids waiting for their school bus this morning. #happypiday

There needs to be more holidays for women.

Wait, blind people can run?

I should have a 6-pack by now as much time as I spend sucking in my gut.