I bet resealable cookie packages are great for people with self-control.

the food pyramid completely disregards the *itos* food group. fritos, mojitos, burritos, doritos...

I overdressed for the trip to Walmart.
I wore deodorant.

Does the three second rule apply to pills dropped on the floor? Never mind, I won't care after I pop this one.

I can walk and chew gum but apparently using the elliptical machine and drinking water is way out of my league.

if they'd label food with the clothing size you end up being instead serving size, I'd have a whole new motivation to PUT THE SPOON DOWN.

One of the cats popped my exercise ball with his claws. Obviously he wants me to be fat. Presumably so there's more of me to eat when dead.

tuesday can kiss my ass!
and then massage it and spank it a little.

roughly five hours later I remembered what I was supposed to be looking for on the internet in the first place.

really summer, sweat running down the crack of my ass? couldn't you at least buy me a drink first?

the parental units are back into town tomorrow which is good cuz there's nothing as savory as mom's home cooking and silent disapproval.

in an unfortunate reversal of fortune, today one of the cats farted and tried to blame it on me.

No, *YOU* obsessively match your pen to the notebook you're writing in.

Don't underestimate my cooking inabilities. I microwaved that eggroll to new levels of petrification.

I have so many cat scratches that I'm now perforated.
Please tear only along the dotted line.

when I read the packaging and it said, "special massaging panty," I knew those were the pantyhose for me.

of all the rocks, on all the streets, in all the towns, I had to kick the one that was immovably rooted in the asphalt.

My judgment may be clouded, but I assume the appropriate way to deal with a chronic sniffler is to smother them in their sleep.

holy crap. that mosquito put in a central line.

do these four bottles of nail polish, nearly identical in color, make me look pretty but girlishly compulsive?