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This girl at work turned me down so I'm sending photos of her to modelling agencies and forwarding the rejection letters to her.
Apparently the police have more important things to deal with then people saying mean things to me on here.
When my GPS says bear left I always look thinking there will be a real bear.
Whenever you have a job interview just walk in playing 'Gangsta's Paradise' on a boom box to earn immediate respect.
My wife just said she would leave me if I ever wrote on twitter and mentioned her again.
Rice T - Cool name for a Chinese rapper.
I'm babysitting. What do you feed a child?
My dad laughed at one of my tweets. About as close to I love you as I'm going to get.
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up? Well now my tattoo of them kissing just looks stupid.
If a waiter asks if Pepsi is ok I yell no, flip the table and cry in the corner.
"I made you a pie just ignore the smell of chloroform." - Me meeting a new sexy neighbour
Heard about how gingers eat spiders and gain the powers to make webs. Seriously people be careful out there.
Remember crying in the store so your parents would buy the pop tarts? Well it doesn't work on strangers as an adult.
In Canada people running for king get 3 months to train a moose. They fight and the owner of the strongest moose is king. #funfacts #debate
Dear anyone under 16. I can have ice cream for dinner fuck you.
I hope I never catch natural causes I've heard about a lot of people dying from that.
There was a huge spider in the bathroom so I left since it's his home now.
Interviewer: What's the most impressive thing you can do?
Me: I never fall off on Rainbow Road.
Interviewer: Can you start Monday, as boss?
Writer for Gumshoes the hit buddy cop CBS comedy starring Jeff Goldblum and Paul Rudd.
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