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Apparently the police have more important things to deal with then people saying mean things to me on here.
When my GPS says bear left I always look thinking there will be a real bear.
What time are we all meeting at the Jurassic World premiere to protest Jeff Goldblum not being in the movie?
Whenever you have a job interview just walk in playing 'Gangsta's Paradise' on a boom box to earn immediate respect.
I just want you all to realise that if you go see that Jurassic Park film that doesn't even have Jeff Goldblum in it that you're a traitor.
My wife just said she would leave me if I ever wrote on twitter and mentioned her again.
Rice T - Cool name for a Chinese rapper.
So North Korea got The Interview pulled because of a joke but when it's serious they let a Jurassic Park movie without Jeff Goldblum happen.
I'm babysitting. What do you feed a child?
My dad laughed at one of my tweets. About as close to I love you as I'm going to get.
Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez broke up? Well now my tattoo of them kissing just looks stupid.
If a waiter asks if Pepsi is ok I yell no, flip the table and cry in the corner.
"I made you a pie just ignore the smell of chloroform." - Me meeting a new sexy neighbour
Heard about how gingers eat spiders and gain the powers to make webs. Seriously people be careful out there.
Remember crying in the store so your parents would buy the pop tarts? Well it doesn't work on strangers as an adult.
Writer for Gumshoes the hit buddy cop CBS comedy starring Jeff Goldblum and Paul Rudd. Mario Kart World Champion
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