@chaztoo's (Charlie Trotter) most faved Tweets...
Your child's separation anxiety is cute when it means they love you that much, but it loses luster when you have to poop with the door open.
15
What I miss most about the 80s is "awesome" hadn't been nouned yet. Nor had "noun" been verbed.
Everything sucks now.
Everything sucks now.
9
This blemish under my jaw looks to be in its 2nd trimester. I want to throw it a shower, but where do you even register for these things?
9
My continuing to mow the lawn while it rained ended up being a ghastly, one-man wet t-shirt contest that everyone on our block lost.
9
What kills me about old F•R•I•E•N•D•S reruns isn't the bad writing or mannered acting, it's that Joey tucked in his shirt without a belt.
9
Every time I think my hair's too poofy to leave the house, I remember Seinfeld aired for 9 seasons and is still in syndication.
8
I bet my esoteric jokes would get more stars if appended with that Non-Sequitur Interrogative Also you kids use.
Also? Cats.
See? Funnier.
Also? Cats.
See? Funnier.
8
Sheesh, lady, can't you just take a compliment in the spirit it was given? Morgan Freeman is a very attractive man.
7
I have afternoon coffee. You may address me directly now without fear. Quietly though. And with respect. No eye contact.
7
Best Buy needs to redesign their store flow. I can never tell which line to stand in to beat up one of the Geek Squad guys.
6
That hearing impaired, speech impaired, visually impaired child plays pinball well, but most importantly he/she has fun and is loved.
6
I'm not saying the Antichrist will never come, but the world NOT ending every time a Democrat is in office is throwing off my canning dates.
6
SHOOTING RANGE DIALOG:
KAREN: What are you trying to hit?
LARRY: The chicken on the pendulum.
ME: I love Edgar Allen Poe.
KAREN: What are you trying to hit?
LARRY: The chicken on the pendulum.
ME: I love Edgar Allen Poe.
6
Headed out to the inflatable pool in the back yard where I'll teach the girls the physics of water displacement.
6
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