I will get a van.

I will fill it with cats.

I will sing "NanaNanaNanaNana
NanaNanaNanaNana CAT VAN!"

I will try to make friends.

Shock and Awe campaign against wasp in my room:
Closed-eyed newspaper swing, newspaper drop, jazz hands, effeminate run, hiding

When my ears pop, I pretend it was because of a rapid pressure change, so I don't dwell on the fact that a ghost just broke my brain hymen

My favorite yoga pose is "looking natural on couch after clearing browsing history and putting pants back on".

Klansmen are pretty adorable if you imagine them as upside-down people-flavored snow cones

Dear people with tiny teeth and big gums,

Find less things funny in public places. K thanks!

If my shower could talk, it would be all like, " Oooh yeah. Pee in my butt".

Told the girl at the Burger King register that I wanted it Carlito's Way. Neither of us knew what I meant.

Velociraptor Jesus evolved into a turkey for our sins. And that's why we celebrate Thanksgiving.

Anytime someone mentions "reverse psychology", I imagine Sigmund Freud doing that cool '80s backwards rollerblading thing.

GOP audience just booed a gay soldier while he asked a question via satellite from Iraq WHERE HE'S FIGHTING FOR YOUR RIGHT TO BOO, SCHMUCKS!

When you ask "debit or credit?" and I answer "credit", what I'm trying to say is, "please dear god help me"

Do I want more breadsticks?
Let me ask you something. What the fuck does endless mean to you in your idiot head?!?

Sorry. Yes I'd like more

*puts on 'Life is Good' shirt*

*gets head stuck in neck hole*

*dies*

The only thing the radio has taught me in the last year is that I'm apparently a firework

Whenever I'm eating my curds and whey, and a spider sits down beside me, I'm all like, "No whey, Jose!". (Fact: all spiders are Mexican)

This ad reads "piano, asking for $800 OBO".

Um, you misspelled "Oboe", and nobody's gonna trade their sweetass oboe for your dumb piano.

No 2 snowflakes are EXACTLY alike. Makes sense, since the same could be said for every other fucking thing in existence.

Don't you do it, Katy Perry.

You sit down and you shut up until tomorrow.

Penniless, exhausted, but ready to be the next Hannah Montana, Assypooshits Massachusetts arrives at Disney Channel Studios, dreams in-hand.