One of these kids is about to become a strange odor down in the basement.

Off to bed hoping that there will be some paranormal activity going on in between the sheets because it's my last hope for some action today

I'm pretty sure my fish is gay. He just hasn't come out of the bowl yet.

My daughter got her eyebrows waxed for the first time today. The conjoined twins have finally been separated.

I have 30 minutes to get this house clean. I guess I should rub a lamp.

Your painfully bad jokes are making me smile like Renee Zellweger. Now stop already so I don't look like I got a surprise in my ass anymore.

My kid just told me I have junk in my trunk. We're gonna revisit that one again after I put him in the trunk of my car.

Just a couple of more days of hair growth on my daughters legs and she's ready to be released into the wild.

Costco is Walmart with a card.

You can go to smartass.com little girl and click on grounded.

Tooth paste splashed in my eyes and hot coffee up my nose. Friday! I have arrived!!!!

Doesn't everyone buy their husband Rogaine and Viagra when he turns 40? Pffft...He could have at least TRIED the Viagra.

If you describe your child's rash & post a pic of it one more time on FB, I'm going to describe my yeast infection & include a pic of that.

Accidentally just drank Half & Half from the carton thinking it was milk. Half & Half is the new milk in this house now. That stuff is good!

If only Ice Mountain filled that 5 gallon jug of water that they deliver to my house with vodka.....I'd definitely drink more water.

First rule of sarcasm club is that you don't direct it back at the person who taught you so well.

What I lack in ambition, I make up for in laziness.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze the hell out of those guys and pour a bottle of vodka in it. Problem solved.

Honey.....It's not considered one drink when you refill the glass ten times.

I've been alone in my boss's office now for 15 minutes. I've rearranged enough stuff to make his day difficult.

Me: 1 pt

Boss: 0 pts