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I think I'm awesome, but I don't think I'm better than anyone else. Huge difference.
Keeping in touch with an ex is like keeping in touch with a kidnapper after they let you go
Twitter was created from the soul of Mitch Hedberg
Twitter is so much more interesting when I have things to do.
When I accidentally text the wrong person it's never "hey" or "yeah sure" it's "you make my heart burst like a meteor shower of rainbows"
I don't text and drive but I'll put away some Taco Bell behind the wheel. I'm just kidding, I text and drive.
Me alone in my room: I wish I was out with friends. Me out with friends: I wish I was home alone.
When ugly people get knocked up they're always soooo excited about it.
If you're lucky enough to have someone you truly enjoy, don't fuck it up over something small. For God's sake, protect it.
My sister said "should of" instead of "should have" so I guess I'm an only child now guys.
"Be funnier or your followers won't love you either!" -Me but in my mom's voice
Fat girls with no boobs should have amazing personalities but somehow that's always flat too.
Applying for big girl jobs = purely terrifying. Maybe I'll just stick with my original plan from when I was 5 and be a Princess
No bigger turn off than someone trying to make me feel bad for being weird and different. I like me. Maybe theres something wrong with you:)
My body is supposedly built to handle child labor yet I can't go the full minute of Listerine without crying? Coolio.
All I want in life is for someone to be my emergency contact.
One of the worst things you can do as a parents is cuss each other out and name call in front of your kid. You're fucking disgusting.
What doesn't kill me just makes me wish I was dead anyway.
Break time minutes are unbelievably shorter than regular minutes.
When someone with 100k+ followers follows me I light fireworks and tell my mom SHE'S the worthless one and I don't need her love
I'm not that funny, but I like funny things. Programmer, I enjoy creating something out of nothing but a terminal http://favstar.fm/users/chels_baked/