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I just blew my nose with a dryer sheet because I'm original, smart, fun, creative, resourceful and crying hard in a pile of clean laundry.
Does this shirt make my breasts look too touched by my uncle when I was 13?
Um, earth to Adam Carolla, did you not see my tweet that has FIFTEEN retweets??
My bank called because I haven't bought a $20+ candle in a while.
They were like: you ok girl? And I was like: don't get me started girl.
All these Mommies are dead!!! -Vin Diesel at a wig store #VinDieselSunday
Ugh u know when u fuck up and hit emergency call, then u dial 911 then u report a bomb then u describe a coworker then ur in too deep ugh.
I got excited to see I had a text! :) but it was just a promotion from a fro-yo chain. :( But it had a dick pic! :)
Charming banter with baristas achieved. Relationship with bank tellers still to be unlocked. Transformation into Dad almost complete.
'Round the corner fudge is made then 'round the corner again blood is made, then 'round the corner once more and blood can be there too.
My mom bought some new sunglasses, then asked if I'm a fan of Pitbull. Then she put on the sunglasses and said "I am"
I've drafted an awful lot of Higgs boson tweets for someone who doesn't understand how sound, suction, levers, electricity or bicycles work.
"One for you... two for me, one for you, two for me"- me w/ my cat's medication.
Ugh I can't wait to get to my goal weight so I can finally kill myself.
I don't get the appeal of 69ing. A guy just fucks the back of your head and eats your butt. ?
if I tweet 911, it means I'm in danger.
