"I liked Zombieland. I liked the book better. It was called "The Zombie Survival Guide'." -Max Brooks #maxonzombies

If I die young bury me in tacos, lay me down in a bed of pizzas

@robdelaney it's fucking DISGUSTING that you would tweet about it instead of filming it.

I'm sorry your life didn't turn out how you expected it to. No one's does. Be better, not bitter.

Result of cat laying on iPad and taking a picture of itself. I can't stop laughing. pic.twitter.com/7GrJI9Hs

I could go for a beer. Or a margarita. Or anything alcoholic, really.

Miss Me jeans: proof that people will pay an obscene amount of money for things that look reeeeally cheap.

Me: finish your sandwich.
Liam: check yourself before you wreck yourself.

@kennicolexo you could just drive through Weston and look out the window. That's like a real life documentary on meth, lol.

I'm judging you by your shoes.

I wish it were socially acceptable to never wear pants.

I have to talk myself out of putting people in their place DAILY. #thestruggle

I just flat out refuse to fucking surround myself with bitter people.

Everyone's entitled to their own opinion, sure, but if it makes a whole group of people feel less than human, is it worth stating?

Me: why are your pants off...?
Liam: I took them off so I could wash my hands.

Happy Mother's Day to some badass mothers! :) @bgriff67 @kennicolexo @laur_neely @steph_losh @sustakoski @alexandradebar @crazzyy_katee

Believe it or not, life isn't a competition.

May your life someday be as awesome as your pretend it is on Facebook.

LOL @ the butthurt Romney supporters on my timeline. I don't want to gloat but your tweets are really amusing me.

It's scary being an adult and still not knowing what the fuck you want to do with your life. :(