I don't think my dad was a bad guy so much as he overestimated how much time he had before I started forming permanent memories.

I bet midgets don’t have a very good time at amusement parks.

My "polite smile" looks like Kermit swallowing his own face. :(

I imagine everyone's ego has a cookie monster voice.

Turns out I may need a restraining order against cheese.

Don't have any friends? Just sit at the table across from a group of people having fun. Laugh when they laugh. Edge closer.

Truth is girls do fart but only once per year and it's two hours long.

Mommy, why did Bill Hicks get cancer and die, but Dane Cook is alive and well?

If anyone needs tips on being lame, I'm free all day, everyday.

Who has two thumbs, and is drunk? Not me, because I was in a terrible welding accident. :(

I hate you. But with love.

I get all "deletey" when I'm stoned.

The only thing I hate more then people who are in my way is people who can't decide whether or not they're going to be in my way.

It's not a good idea to put all of your emotional investment into a single person. What if that person explodes?

I only Wang Chung to hush the demons.

It's fun to remind hypochondriacs how pale they look today.

Is there an app that tells you how many goats you're worth?

It's not you, it's me. I'm loads better than you.

I'm not using you. Your penis really interests me as a person.

Sucks when you have to be somewhere even though you have sulking to do.