Team swallow back.

Chances are that your mom shit on you within the first few seconds of your life. Welcome to the world, bitch.

My superpower is making anything you say into something perverted.

Girl you got curves like a mustard bottle

I hate it when I can't tell if a cramp means period or poop time. Anyway, who wants to have some sex?

If Twitter were a band, I probably wouldn't listen to it.

Thank god they made Twitter. I was getting really worried that I wouldn't ever have a place to go to watch you all bitch about Facebook.

I'm not racist. I own a colored tv.

The quickest way to get me to do something is by telling me not to do it.

Did you hear the one about the deaf girl?
Neither did she.

if you have to ask if it's legal, you're probably not cool enough to do it.

When I'm alone I like to reflect on the most important aspects of life. Like sex.

I read through my tweets and think, "if I were a dude, I'd be overjoyed to do me." But then I remember what a bitch I am and change my mind.

Listening to Lucy Ate My Pie With Hymens, or maybe this place needs to update its speakers.

Am I the only one left who realizes Adrien Brody is disgusting looking?

Everyone in here needs to be part of a big group *hug.

*orgy

Instead of football, why don't you put on a sport worth watching.
Like naked wrestling.

You: follow a bunch of people then unfollow about a week after they follow back so you can control your ratio.
Me: machete in your face.

Nothing helps win a popularity contest like free blow jobs!

Tweeting is harder when I'm having sex. #thingiwishicouldsay