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How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?
Every time you do that fake jerking off hand motion, a ghost slips his cock in there for a second.
Twilight drinking game rules:
1) drink 40 shots when you press play so you can die before the movie starts.
I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial with an actress sobbing herself to sleep with a half-chewed Snickers bar in her mouth.
I want to work with children..maybe the shift supervisor at the Nike in China?
Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear 3 times longer? Max Factor should make condoms.
If you're looking for a girl, here is what to look for:
...now pick two
I told my sandwich to "go make me a girlfriend"
How women clean the toilet: Clorox, rubber gloves, scrub brush.
How men clean the toilet: Pisses as hard as he can at the shit stain
What if a bull in a china shop was really quite graceful and made us all look like assholes.
If any of my pregnant friends create a Facebook account for their unborn child, I'm making an account for a coat hanger and poking it
Combine shooting and sailing in the olympics and somalia will stand a chance.
New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me :(
Join the army... Go to amazing countries all over the world... Meet interesting people... Kill them
I like causal sex, but if needed, I will put on a suit and tie...
"We, are never ever ever ever getting back together.."
Christopher Mintz-Plasse wishes he's me, and I wish I was Emma Stone...