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Don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, hate me because I just killed a panda by stuffing 20 adorable puppies down its throat.
Sometimes I wish I could actually be the asshole everyone thinks I am.
Aaron Sorkin actin' like Kathie Lee and Hoda don't exist!
Meeting with Pizza Hut tomorrow about my genius idea: P'asagna. Pizza. With layers. Layered pizza. You're welcome, America.
Did KStew blaze out and have sex like right before she hobbled onstage?
I want Britney Spears to judge me.
An ounce of not taking nude photos in the first place is worth a pound of trying to scrub them off the internet.
Wait. Do they sell sunglasses where the "o's" in "doomsday" are the lenses?
No way I'm joining the military to get a date with a celebrity.
It's O.K. if I don't give a royal scepter-slurping fuck about Kate and William's wedding, right?
On the fourth day of Christmas, I'm starting to think my true love might have some kind of bird fetish.
I wish we could go back to simpler times, when only the third movie in a series would be made in 3D.
My new eating plan: funnel cake, cotton candy, anything dipped in batter and fried, any food on a stick. Yep. I'm a carnivalore.
I am sorry that sea bass is endangered but they are kind of asking for it, being so delicious. And wearing those short skirts.
Seriously, shuffle is on fire today. Probably 'cause some drag queen batted her eyelashes at a butterfly halfway around the world. Physics!
My lips are super chapped. I look like one of them dimwits who goes hiking alone and is found a week later wearing only a squirrel carcass.
I didn't screw the pooch on this one. The pooch came to me pre-screwed. I'm getting the pooch counseling. So back the fuck off.
I saw an adult woman freaking out over Ed Hardy folders and notebooks at Target and I thought, sadly, "this is what the world has come to."
Kobayashi ate 5 and 3/4 P'Zones in six minutes? That's really quite amazing. It's also 5 and 3/4 more P'Zones than I will ever eat.
You know how Superman went to all those alternate universes, trying to replace his dead Lois? That.