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Procrastinate now, why wait?
Getting a mani-pedi. It's hard to sit & be fondled by little, strange, overly friendly people who don't speak English. Oh hell. No it's not!
"I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
Reading back thru my recent Favstar tweets is like stumbling home after a good drunk.
Money can't buy happiness, but it’s a lot more comfortable to cry in a BMW than on a broken down bicycle.
Hey white chick in the filthy Renault with trash blocking your back window, eating french fries and smoking - you scare the shit out me.
So what is the "Norm"? and who the fuck wants to be it?
Food is not the answer. Xanax in the other hand might be worth exploring?
When it comes to parking spots, I pick the one far away from the door and the fat people in shitty cars who don't give a fuck.
Alcohol does not solve your problems, but then again, neither does milk.
Pope gave a homily to a mil ppl sat. It was cut short by a violent thunderstorm which blew his skullcap off.
God's way of saying BULLSHIT!
If you feel the world has beat you down - go to the SPCA, sit in the puppy pen. Puppies will yank your head out of your ass for free.
If eating meat is so wrong than God should of made chckens harder to catch. You don't see people eating many cheatah burgers.
Never trying weed is like never having sex.
If I have to explain further-you're a lost cause.
The Sperminator may not be the Governer of California anymore, but look out housekeepers cuz he's single and has a messy house.
Better to have loved and gotten fat, than (then?) to have never loved a Big Mac.
Any English majors out there? Which is it? Then or than?
1 eye open, I saw what I thought was a shoe on the floor. Nope. Huge dead rat the cat had dragged in & left at the foot of the bed. #Morning
Astronomers spotted a planet that's a big diamond in our galactic backyard. So, I'll be back in a light year with the biggest ring, ever.
What's the point of being mean to people on twitter? Just go outside, bitch slap your neighbor & scream at your kids.
Just me or does #Facebook forking over facial recognition to help catch the UK rioters feel a little too much like Fahrenheit 451?
“At the end of the day all that matters is that you made it to the end of the day.”