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Finally figured out that 'YOLO' is 'carpe diem' in douchebag.
I want a Jedi in the streets & a Sith in the sheets.
"I think they know about us." - me talking to my shower head after getting the water bill
People don't have parties anymore. They just have gatherings where you're forced to constantly smile in group pics for Facebook.
It may be due to my Dad raising me to be smart that keeps me from taking nudie pics. More likely it's due to my Mom telling me I'm homely.
Don't DM pics of your penis.
Be smart & leave it to her imagination; where it will look larger, less veiny, & make a shiny 'ding' sound.
I bet Cookie Monster knows how to keep his woman happy....
True loyalty takes years to build & only seconds to destroy.
Today I was told that I am "the face of evil" and now I want to put that on my business cards.
Twitter bios often state they're offensive/sexy/callous.
Please note that I'm generally polite, sadly average, & I sometimes recycle.
The closest I've ever been to a threesome was when I had my annual gyno appointment scheduled on the same day as a teeth cleaning.
Drove thru a violent storm with only 1 radio station & all I could think was "God, please don't let Nikki Minaj be the last thing I hear."
I can't hear Wagner's Ride of the Valkyries without Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit" inside my head.
Nothing gets white people out on a dance floor like group participation songs & the ability to distinguish the right from left.
I squashed a hornet with the palm of my hand while simultaneously telling a coworker to shut up.
He hasn't blinked in 10 minutes.
Lip gloss: Maybe I'm born with it? Maybe it's Maybeline? Maybe I just ate an entire bucket of fried chicken?
I'll never tell. ;)
I'm glad twitter doesn't track how many times I've enlarged your avi.
I only have sparklers, the dry hump of fireworks.
Guys & your obvious tweets pandering to women, do you really think that's going to wo....?
OH, THAT' SO SWEET!!!
I hate you
Before the pain of a brazilian faded, I imagined an alternative universe where the ruling fashion involved picked out afros in your pants.
Here I go with the timid little woodland creature bit again. It's shameful, but...ehhh, it's a living. - Bugs Bunny