i'm shit at grammar,but as i understand it:

verb = stuff i hate doing.
noun = stuff i hate.
adjective = describes how much i hate it.

work it
make it
do it
makes us
harder
feta
bastard
stronger
more than
our
shower
clever
never
napkin
penis
longer

or something

if you sat 100 monkeys at keyboards & signed them into twitter,i'd give it 30 minutes before they're all conversing with a kardashian.

been playing beastieboys to help educate my 2yo.he now knows "m to the i to the k to the e" spells 'mike'.& he can count to mutha fuckin' 4.

my skill of being able to remove a bra in under 2 seconds has yet again come in handy as the wife returns home unexpectedly.

my 3yo talks like he's retweeting himself over and over and over until i star whatever the fuck he has to say.

me: no mid-life crisis yet then?
me: no
me: you're talking to a mirror?
me: and?!
me: let me see those guns!
me: *flexes guns*
both: oh yeah

sometimes i like to get naked,tuck my cock between my legs &totter round squealing "look!i'm a girl" just to relax the atmosphere in church.

on a really clear night like this,i often look up at the billions of stars in our solar system and think of just how amazing tits are.

every time you recycle a glass bottle,i punch a badger,to restore the earth's fragile environmental equilibrium.

not sure whether this bird in my garden is dead, or whether both halves of it are just sleeping?

not saying i'm bored,but i'm trying to figure out how big my scrotum would be if i ironed it smooth.ok,i am saying i'm bored.

girlfriends are like buses... just one of the drawbacks of living in a fat neighbourhood.

how many times do you have to try flushing a poo before it's acceptable to just pick it up and put it in the bin?

if anyone says they've had 1 of those days where they've "not stopped,but don't seem to have got anything done",they have a twitter account.

i'm mainly attracted to girls who:
a) don't find me repulsive.
b) are female.

(that's an either/or)

6 years ago today, my first son was born. there was lots of blood & mess & crying & shit & omg it was awful. but i'm eating cake now, so.

my 5yo got his head stuck in the school railings this morning (true). it was pretty distressing for me as i didn't have a camera. he's ok.

whoa! hold on there! you've been starring other people's tweets too?! i thought you and me had something here?

i'm at my most attractive when we've both had slightly less drink than it takes for us to vomit.