Glenn Beck's saying the disaster in Japan is God sending a message. If God's sending a message with all of this, it's "I don't exist, guys."

Just saw an angry looking white guy wearing a Confederate flag shirt that said "Heritage not hate." I bet he really heritages black people.

Anyone who says their favorite food is sushi or some avocado sandwich bullshit is lying. It's pizza. Just like everyone. You're not so cool.

"Women & children & robots first!" -desperate robot

"I wanna date a Playboy bunny, they're so hot." = "I want to eat a bowl of wax fruit, they look so delicious."

Pretty sure "date-rape" is just rape. "He raped her but she DID agree to have dinner so we should probably mention that along with the rape"

I'm "get mad at the romantic success of characters on TV" lonely.

Opinions are like assholes: I like looking at them on the Internet.

If you say "Sweet dreams" to someone with diabetes, you're basically telling them to die in their sleep. No you're not. I'm sorry.

Don't be careful what you wish for! It's just wishing, calm down.

Game show idea: "'Deal Or No Deal' or No 'Deal Or No Deal.'" Contestants have to decide whether or not to watch "Deal Or No Deal."

Asking a question and quantifying it with "out of curiosity" is like ordering a pizza and clarifying, "out of hunger."

"*Long speech defending Twitter*" -Me at parties

I can't decide if I hate people who don't walk when on escalators, or people who do. I know I hate somebody though.

Anger is just sadness that someone forgot to put in the fridge.

I'm a Grammer-Nazi. (I fucking love Kesley Grammer and I'll kill you if you don't.)

Me: Had a nice day, gonna go to sleep. Gnight, me! Subconscious: Uh uh, you know the rules, 20-120 min of profound sadness/loneliness first.

Porno spoiler: you cum and then feel kinda bad.

New acronym proposals: LOLA: Laughing Out Loud Alone. LOLASCA: Laughing Out Loud Alone So Crushingly Alone.

Hot actress: "I'm actually a total dork nerd. I LOVE Star Wars!" You know who else loves Star Wars? Fucking everybody.