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"YDOLO!" - Hindu Teen
I would be totally fine with Mad Men inserting a note that said, "Betty Draper died on the way back to her home planet."
Area Man With Dog Avatar Apologizes To Female Tweeter 30 Minutes After Sending Unfunny At-Reply
I have yet to meet a guy named Tucker who doesn't have a prescription for Ritalin.
Writing a list of possible responses in case people say things to me tomorrow
Just thinking back to 8th grade awards night when I began to smile and stand up everytime my classmate with the same name won..
Anyone with two legs and a neighbor can turn DiGiorno into delivery. WARNING: Will cause lifelong friendship.
Welcome to 2012, this is the year that people finally stop trying to make skirts over pants look good.
If you fart while peeing on someone, it's called a golden thunderstorm.
Motivate Audiences Via Fear
Awwww, you really know how to make a girl blush! Now please stop forcefully rouging my cheeks.
"What's the deal with little boys' buttholes?" --Jerry Seindusky
If I ever meet Alyssa Milano I'm going to shake her hand and say "Charmed."
The Wikipedia page for "List of Ancient Jedi" should just say "go to bed now."
I bought a vintage leather jacket at a thrift store todAYYYYYY. GET IT?! IT'S A SHITTY FONZIE JOKE I'M SO ALONE PLEASE HUG ME
Sunday is Hunt's ketchup.
Helped a heavyset lady with her groceries. (Put them back on the shelf.)
Please don't use the lord's name in praise.
I'm in sweatpants, sitting on the floor of a 24 hour laundromat, plugged into a wall outlet, using Starbucks' wifi. Ready for my portrait.
All stucco is just the word "cock" over and over in Braille.
Future bigwig. I write stuff + do stand up. Everyone loves me. I love my fans. Check out these boons: http://t.co/Sj7zSnyTe7 http://t.co/D5Lq1krV0O