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I'm out of toilet paper should I just get married
"autism murdered my vagina" - jenny mccarthy
Baby just call me the $2 bill because I’m rare and I’m tender
An improv team that's just my grandma and grandpa always working off the suggestion "that time."
I'm listening to "Young and Beautiful" and I just imagined Lana Del Rey at 60. :-(
if you get a boner while preparing to exercise it's called "lumbering up"
Hate cops. Working tirelessly to protect us and keep the streets clean, makes me sick. RT if you are in possession of any illegal weapons.
First they came for Hitler,
But I was not Hitler,
And so I did not speak out.
thank you to the hot women retweeting my tweets about how ashamed i am of my shitty life
some very thoughtful answers coming in! thank you for thinking about jared having sex
how much sex do you think Subway Jared has in a given year? please no joke answers, think hard and be honest also what are his fav positions
If you ask me to see you in a play I’ll have you arrested.
My latest butt-cheek-dance is choreographed to 'One' by Metallica. Each quiver/clench evokes tragedy and anger and darkness.
Future bigwig. I write stuff + do stand up. Everyone loves me. I love my fans. Check out these boons: http://t.co/Sj7zSnyTe7 http://t.co/D5Lq1krV0O