I'm out of toilet paper should I just get married

"autism murdered my vagina" - jenny mccarthy

@marykoco something something "down under"

Baby just call me the $2 bill because I’m rare and I’m tender

@hermit_thrush Please work the Australian aspect of this into joke somehow

@marykoco the joke is that after your breasts, or "rack", gets wet, they will be "drying". hence you'll have a "drying rack"

An improv team that's just my grandma and grandpa always working off the suggestion "that time."

I'm listening to "Young and Beautiful" and I just imagined Lana Del Rey at 60. :-(

if you get a boner while preparing to exercise it's called "lumbering up"

Hate cops. Working tirelessly to protect us and keep the streets clean, makes me sick. RT if you are in possession of any illegal weapons.

Correction: tumblr is nothing but porn, Ron Swanson .gif's and  http://www.fiddysbiddies.tumblr.com . So actually $1.1 billion might be a sound investment

First they came for Hitler,
But I was not Hitler,
And so I did not speak out.

thank you to the hot women retweeting my tweets about how ashamed i am of my shitty life

some very thoughtful answers coming in! thank you for thinking about jared having sex

how much sex do you think Subway Jared has in a given year? please no joke answers, think hard and be honest also what are his fav positions

sherman klump
wading into the sea
the tide sweeps over
“buddy love,”
“this is a hell.”
the fat child farts
grandma is moist
#illhueminati

Rip dog, died of dogging pic.twitter.com/YQutGEnS7G

If you ask me to see you in a play I’ll have you arrested.

#FemsBeLike does fem mean female? adult women tend to menstruate. its one of the defining female experiences. we could joke abotu that

My latest butt-cheek-dance is choreographed to 'One' by Metallica. Each quiver/clench evokes tragedy and anger and darkness.