Private Tweets? ... Isn't that called email?

What's the name of that new Microsoft search engine? ... I guess I'll have to google it.

I will star any tweet I see with "nipples" in it. ... Including this one.

When I redo my bathroom, I'm putting in a tub the same color as soap scum.

Just reached 200 followers! I know that doesn't seem like a lot, but half are hot, scantily clad women! Woo Hoo!! Tweetup time!!

Show me on this map of your commute to work exactly the point where you abandon all hope.

Yesterday, a stemware store followed me after I put #wine in a tweet. Let's see what this does ... #humongous #johnson.

Does someone have a list of the Twitter clique or "in-crowd" people I hear so much about? I need a mentor.

Favstar Friends ... can't we all just get along ... at least until I hit the Leaderboard?

I wish you people would quit changing your avatars. It's confusing me. Unless you're a lady wanting to show more skin. Then it's OK.

Before Twitter, I used to spend all day talking to imaginary friends, and people thought I was crazy. But now .... What?

If work was fun, they wouldn't have to pay us to do it.

I just checked whose Twitter lists I'm on. The names of the lists are funnier than my tweets.

Thank God everyone I follow is as miserable as I am on Monday mornings. I couldn't take an irrationally happy person right now.

I got my first multi-star tweet yesterday! Thank you all ... my fans ... all 5 of you. (Watch out @Sween! I'm coming for YOU!)

Is it ok to Fav your own tweets? Or would it make me look too needy?

I've given almost 10 times more stars than I have received. How about some "thank you" stars over here? It would be a nice gesture ...

I look at my page on Favstar several times a day, as if I will suddenly become more popular. Like waiting for the PCH Prize Patrol.

Bad news: Can't sleep. Good news: Twitter is pretty snappy at 3AM #sleepfail

Do real men eat Brie? How about with beer? Lite Beer? (This cheese thing can be complicated.)