I only buy Diet Dr. Thunder, so when I have guests I can ask, "Hey, want some DDT?" We have a good laugh, then I poison them.

Mathematicians do it constantly. Just kidding. It's variable. ...Sometimes imaginary.

Have onesie pajamas and a spastic colon? There's a flap for that.

Oh, no! There's some shit under the comma key. I _need_ you, comma key! I'm a comma-niac. I'm comma-ddicted. I'm a comma-unist. Also, drunk.

I don't give a crap about fiber.

"I'd hate for my little box to get wet," Mom says of her scooter cargo as I try to recall another time my sense of humor made ME uneasy.

I'll just cut to the chase. I was preheating my apartment to 400 degrees.
*closes oven*

Never you mind the nutsack, the open container, and the firearms. It's all just a part of the family Father's Day tradition.

Is it still Macgyvering if you use your host body? I mean _own_ body. That I was born in. ...with.

"I feel antsy in my... well, you know. I'm nude and antsy."

There's really not a whole lot you can do to avoid a bad ID photo. Though in retrospect, I suppose Pikachu shirt day could have waited.

Breaking my fast the BK way. (BK way: taking wrong food without complaint when Drive-Thru Lady calls me baby and makes me feel feelings.)

Drinking water like it's vodka.

Ha, save! Text: "Need I remind you that every minute we're not getting dinner is a minute my breasts are getting smaller?" Him: "On my way."

If we outlaw bulk in-vitro fertilization, only outlaws will be bulk in-vitro fertilized!

If I refrigerate my soda to the ideal temperature, the fruits & vegetables freeze. I guess what I'm saying is Sayonara, fruits & vegetables.

Are you a car driving 63MPH southeast from Medina, Washington at 2:18 AM? Because at 10:37 PM in Thermopolis, Wyoming, I am gonna HIT THAT!

It means I haven't showered 'cause I'm scared of mirror ghosts, Norman Bates, and a lingering childhood invention I call "the shower shark."

In my Gadget Arm: hot sauce, taser, camera phone, vibrating mechanism, terror-driven partitioning of the first 3 things from the 4th thing.

If the neighbor drinks and blares "Barracuda" on her porch again, I'm placing her under cardiac arrest. Get it? It's a Heart burn. (killme.)