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At the urinal humming "Call Me Maybe," when the guy next to me turned to pee on my leg. Fair enough.
Incorrectly entered my password so many times at work, security came out & gave me a hug while telling me I just had to believe in myself.
I'm on a bus full of people who all failed their auditions for Canada's Best Armpit.
"Oh, you mean like the serial killer?" - how I respond to anybody at a party that tells me their last name.
Dude just jaywalked into traffic, pointing to his bluetooth headset as if to say "Guys, you don't understand, I'm a really BUSY douchebag."
Every morning in the shower, I try to piece together the mystery of "did I shampoo my hair?" in the world's most boring version of Memento.
LIFE PRO TIP: Bring an empty dirty bowl to a potluck & just pretend everybody couldn't get enough of your chili or whatever.
You know you had an awesome set when you get off stage & a guy from the audience pulls you aside to order more nachos from you. #comedylife
Parenting getting too easy? Use a urinal in a public washroom while trying to keep your 4 year old from peeking at random dudes' junk.
"Live every day like you're about to develop a new food allergy." - lady taking 15 minutes to order nothing at this coffee shop
I'm grateful to my wife and kids that I can use them like emotional body shields for when I'm late to a meeting.
Don't have enough mortgages to have a conversation at a networking event for work. Looking for a kids table to debate the best Power Ranger.
Girl in giant pink ugg boots at a bus stop looking sad, probably because somebody stole the rest of her pink teddybear costume.
I'd like to live in a world where toilet seats in public washrooms didn't look like my arthritic grandma just tried to pour a cup of tea.
Don't judge a man by his mustache, but by the contents of his mustache, 'cause if there is any content in there, dude is super gross.
Dear Guinness World Records: FYI, I waved for a bus to stop & the driver waved back & drove off, setting a new record for biggest dick move.
"MMMMlaut." - The Hanson brothers teaching grammar to a class of German kids who weren't even born when Hanson was a thing #myworsttweet
Time flies when you're throwing clock radios against the wall out back because you're so fucking bored at work.
Greatest rapper who has never rapped. Also comedian, writer, father & Flipmode squad historian (in order of things I've done on purpose).