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I guess the main thing I've learned from my years of studying Gemara is that people named Reuven shouldn't loan money to people named Shimon
From all of us at the iPhone autocorrect team, happy chandelier!
Friends don't let friends have any other friends.
JEWISH HOLIDAYS: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
CHASSIDIC HOLIDAYS: They imprisoned him, he was freed, let's drink.
Hotels in Sodom cost an arm and a leg.
One time I found $98,000 in a desk I bought but on my way to return the money I fell asleep on a stranger's shoulder :/
The good news is that if you go to war with Satmar and capture a beautiful woman you won't have to pay a barber to cut off her hair!
...And then the Poritz died & the Baal Shem Tov rode home just in time for Melava Malka. So anyway, is this your first Shidduch date too?
1. Walk into a random Shul
2. Bang on the Bima until everyone is silent
3. Announce "this Bima is sturdy."
4. Walk out
Why aren't Satmar girls allowed to drive cars?
Because then they might escape.
WIPE THE MATZAH OUT OF YOUR BEARD BEFORE GOING TO MIKVA YOU GEBROKTS MONSTER!!!
A Chossid went to the police to report his missing minivan.
"My Karlin was Stolin," he said sadly.
LUBAVITCH VS YESHIVISH
Lubavitch guys have fancy cars but smashed hats
Yeshivish guys have fancy hats but smashed up cars
"Tzedakah Tatzil MiMoves." - Good line for a Meshulach with a gun
I was invited to a Satmar Upshernish and was so disappointed when everyone started cutting off the Kallah's hair.
The 4 species represent 4 types of Jews:
Lulav = Tall Jews
Hadassim = Smelly Jews
Aravos = Dull Jews
Esrog = Lemon Juice
One time I Satmar on Bobov a sharp Skver and hurt my Tosh very Chabad. I saw Belz and couldn't Puppa for a week! Until I ate a Nikolsberger
Give a man Brachos and he'll be happy for a day. Teach a man Brachos and he'll never eat rice again!
Screenwriter. Amateur Lubavitcher. http://www.imdb.com/name/nm4780430/ Editor of http://bill613.com all tweets are my own