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I guess the main thing I've learned from my years of studying Gemara is that people named Reuven shouldn't loan money to people named Shimon
"It's Lag B'Omer! Now I can finally..
• listen to music!" - Lubavitchers
• shave!" - Misnagdim
• take a shower!" Misinformed Baalei Tshuvas
1. Strap100 Afikoman bags of Matza to the ceiling
2. Wait til your Dad asks 4 the Afikoman
3. Shout WHERE ISN'T THE AFIKOMAN & cut the strap
From all of us at the iPhone autocorrect team, happy chandelier!
JEWISH HOLIDAYS: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
CHASSIDIC HOLIDAYS: They imprisoned him, he was freed, let's drink.
MUGGER: Give me all your valuables!
ME: *starts telling him all my Chiddushei Torah*
That awkward moment when Moshiach comes & Dovid HaMelech calls together all Jewish singers to demand royalties for using his lyrics.
Friends don't let friends have any other friends.
10 sweet potatoes
1 cup potato starch
Peel with peeling knife, cut with cutting knife, bake at 350 for one hour
What do you call a drunk Lubavitcher?
PARNASSAH SEGULAH: I lit candles for Rabbi Menachem Mendel of Rimanov for 40 days & saved over a thousand dollars on my electricity bill.
My neighbour vaccinated her kids and they all went off the Derech.
Harry Houdini's greatest trick was untangling his tzitzis when they came out of the dryer in 2 minutes flat.
Hotels in Sodom cost an arm and a leg.
Is this bowl of cereal Mezonos from the Frosted Flakes or Shehakol from the milk?
*rabbi looks at my bowl*
"Shehakol from the sugar."
*hiding in dorm room*
Ok, I got a Gimmel. You all owe me $20.
*Rosh Yeshiva storms in*
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
We-we're um learning Torah.
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG THIS MORNING?!!
"Honey, I had to do Hatoras Nedarim for us. I was in Shul, I swear!"
Screenwriter. Humorist. Yichus mythbuster. Shtetlmacher. My dybbuk is a Ninja Nazir.
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