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I guess the main thing I've learned from my years of studying Gemara is that people named Reuven shouldn't loan money to people named Shimon
From all of us at the iPhone autocorrect team, happy chandelier!
JEWISH HOLIDAYS: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
CHASSIDIC HOLIDAYS: They imprisoned him, he was freed, let's drink.
MUGGER: Give me all your valuables!
ME: *starts telling him all my Chiddushei Torah*
That awkward moment when Moshiach comes & Dovid HaMelech calls together all Jewish singers to demand royalties for using his lyrics.
Friends don't let friends have any other friends.
What do you call a drunk Lubavitcher?
Harry Houdini's greatest trick was untangling his tzitzis when they came out of the dryer in 2 minutes flat.
Hotels in Sodom cost an arm and a leg.
WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG THIS MORNING?!!
"Honey, I had to do Hatoras Nedarim for us. I was in Shul, I swear!"
One time I found $98,000 in a desk I bought but on my way to return the money I fell asleep on a stranger's shoulder :/
Jewish Guilt is tipping a waiter 300% because you heard him call other patrons "cheap Jews" and you don't want to perpetuate a stereotype.
A self hating Jew asked Hillel to teach him the Torah while standing on one foot. Hillel replied "love your friend as you love.. never mind"
Sleepwalkers add Tefillas HaDerech to Krias Shema She'Al HaMitah.
Chabad of Sochi mistakenly won silver when the Shliach chased after the Israeli team trying to get them to put on Tefillin.
Nowadays when a Jewish child intermarries the parents kick them off the family whatsapp group.