My favorite song is N-words in Paris by Kanye West and Jay-Z. I'm white so that's the name of the song.

Hey, we're all on twitter for the same thing... and when someone finds out what that actually is could they please let me know.

I'm stronger now!
I can totally do this
I won't break this time!
I don't need you anymore!

*takes regular coke instead to diet*
I'm a loser

Wondering if the girl who works graveyard at the McDonald's by my house has a good sense of humor about her arm hair? The answer is no.

Break into their house at night, while they're asleep, steal it and destroy it. - What you do when someone owns a really bad photo of you.

All my enemies get buried wearing Crocs.

Took down the evil spirit that's been in my house by destroying it's favorite music box.

Is THAT a thing? - is a thing you say when you're not sure if the thing you think is a thing is really a thing or just a non-thingy thing.

There's a thin line between crazy and cray cray.

I bet you still breast feed don't you, you lucky sumbitch.

I dont always read your tweets but i love looking at all the funny pictures people upload.

I told him not to look at me because I look ugly when I cry and he said he knows, covered my face with a pillow and hugged me.

I wish parents would teach their kids to shut up when they're around me

And for my next magic trick kids, I'm going to snap my fingers until the sky turns from light to dark then take my $100 and fuck outta here.

I just have this sneaking suspicion that my twitter crush isn't being faithful to me.

“Quack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack-ack.” - Billy Joel’s duck.

There are two kinds of people but this seems insanely oversimplified.

Whenever I hear someone say they're bored stiff I picture a man w a stiffy & I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure you'd have "something" to do!

Like raw eggs in an unbalanced centrifuge, so are my breasts when I briskly walk braless.

I’ll call this brown towel I used to dry my hair the “turdban”