My Girlfriend yelled at me today while I was having sex.. I didn't know she was coming home early from work

Pretty much seems like guys who carry a zippo lighter pouch on there belt also wear velcro shoes

Thinking America should send Africa condoms, then there wouldn't be so many starving children interrupting my TV. Shows

People who gain weight from drinking alcohol obviously aren't drinking until they puke there guts out so shame on them

I would look at more baby pictures if they included some of you breast feeding

Hey guy at the urinal with both hands on your hips like your cool, you wouldn't be able to do that if you dick was a reasonable length

My cousin said she's pregnant but I know its an April Fools joke because there's no way someone actually got off if she did get fucked

Not that my opinion matters but I'm pretty sure wearing eye shadow all the way up to your eyebrow looks fucking stupid

This Hostess looked at me odd when I said "anywhere but by some pecker head kids" Isn't that what you all say when they ask table or booth?

Happy 4th to all the Mexicans living here, try showing some pride and start speaking English like the rest of the people who snuck in here

Happy 4th of July, I hope the biggest explosions are in your fucking pants

imagine having a big ass could make something like pooping an incredibly messy task, I just don't understand how it makes it past ur cheeks

When I see a garbage bag in a ditch I assume there's a body in it, apparently I don't care about people getting murdered, I never report it

Eating an ice cream drumstick for breakfast, take that mommy, I'm all grown up and ruining my dinner!

And its pretty common for me to bite my breakfast toast into the shape of a little house

Why has my health insurance went from 151.00 to 213.00 a week since you took office and why are my taxes up and income down? #AskObama

Hey People FB messaging how to cook something.. GOOGLE that shit! Your obviously have internet access you twat

funny how people get all upset when they speed up on you so you follow them until they stop then stab them, like they forgot who started it

OMG these screaming kids are making me nuts, somebody get Casey Anthony the fuck over here

I wish I would have known that sometimes one night stands last six years